Atheists Want to Abort Christ From Christmas, Says Kooky Alaskan Lady

At an appearance on Liberty University’s campus yesterday, My BFF Sarah Palin proclaimed that Christmas is under attack by “angry atheists” who are “trying to abort Christ from Christmas.” Tis the season for whackadoodlery. Fa LOL LOL LOL LOL. LOL LOL LOL LOL.

Palin, formerly the Governor of Alaska and currently the Governor of my heart, is touring the country promoting her book about how Christmas is magical and Democrats want to poop all over it or something. It’s the best. It’s actually the best.

Here’s why: even though Palin is maddening, the less relevant she is, the more fun she is as entertainment fodder. She’s the queen of LOLWAT. And shit like this –– the full quote is coming; hold your horses — is exactly the sort of thing that brings a wide, relieving smile to my normally angry bitchface. Here we go. (Optional reader challenge: Read it aloud, in one breath.)

If you lose that foundation, John Adams was implicitly warning us, then we will not follow our constitution, there will be no reason to follow our constitution because it is a moral and religious people who understand that there is something greater than self, we are to live selflessly, and we are to be held accountable by our creator, so that is what our constitution is based on, so those revisionists, those in the lamestream media, especially, who would want to ignore what our founders actually thought, felt and wrote about in our charters of liberty – well, that’s why I call them the lamestream media. […]

Thomas Jefferson and his thinking, I believe that much of it fundamentally came from this area, having spent his summers here, having spent influential years here, two miles away from Liberty University. Man, there’s something in the water, perhaps, around here – again you are fortunate you get to taste it.

[Jefferson] would recognize those who would want to try to ignore that Jesus is the reason for the season, those who would want to try to abort Christ from Christmas,” she said. “He would recognize that, for the most part, these are angry atheists armed with an attorney. They are not the majority of Americans.”

As an atheist/agnostic who used to be religious, I’m pretty sure I’d remember building a time machine, taking it back to the year zero, and trying to go all RU-486 on the Blessed Virgin. I’d also probably remember getting mad and demanding Christians stop celebrating the holiday that forms the foundation of the celebration upon which I piggyback as an excuse to eat gingerbread stuff and give my family cool shit I found on Etsy. On behalf of Christmas-loving atheists, I hereby welcome Christians to go ahead and Christ the Fuck Out all they want. Erect the most garish neon nativity scene in the world on your front lawn; I’ll Instagram the shit out of it. Get all in my face and say MERRY CHRISTMAS like you’re winning an argument with me; I’ll say it back! Send me a religious Christmas card and I’ll put it on my refrigerator next to the nondenominational HAPPY SOLSTICE card my dad once gave me for my birthday as a joke. Just, you know, don’t ask the government to sponsor your religious symbols or endorse your faith. THAT’S ALL! There’s no war on Christmas! The Right’s insistence on it is borderline pathological. Persecution complexes are the Reason for the Season.