Ashton Kutcher's Mildly Paranoid Guide To The Coming Apocalypse

The man formerly known as Kelso is on the February cover of Men’s Fitness (wearing a shirt) and in an exclusive interview, he hints that he is preparing for the imminent and horrifying apocalypse that should hit any day now.

Ashton tells the magazine that he runs, daily, at Runyon Canyon near his Los Angeles home. He also does an hour of hot Bikram yoga. But that’s not all! Ashton is learning hardcore fighting technique Krav Maga. Jennifer Lopez did it in Enough and the Israeli army swears by it.

Also? Ashton is armed. He has guns. No, not his arms. Actual weapons. In fact, last Christmas, there was a blackout, and Ashton says: “It was 20 below zero. I got my guns out. We made a fire.” He’s already living like he’s in that movie The Road! And nothing serious has happened yet. But it will. Oh, it will. Says the man who played a character with “Dude” tattooed on his back:

“It won’t take very much, I’m telling you. It will not take much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle. People don’t have maps anymore. People use their iPhones or GPS systems, so if there’s no electricity, nobody has maps.”