As Taylor Swift Traveled to ‘Outer Heaven’ for Her Birthday, Travis Kelce Stayed in the End Zone

He was a beloved professional athlete and one-time prolific tweeter. She was a billionaire pop star and Time’s Person of the Year. Can I make it any more obvious? He couldn’t come to her 34th birthday party. She drank yuzu cocktails. What more can I say? Alright, I’ll stop.

On Wednesday—otherwise known as Taylor Swift’s birthday and a national holiday for her fans—one of the world’s most famous singer-songwriters had no choice but to celebrate sans her pigskin-slinging sweetheart. Why? In short: “prior football commitments.” Following the Kansas City Chiefs’ most recent loss to the Buffalo Bills, a source told Page Six that Travis Kelce’s absence at her New York City fête was due to mandatory practice. Sounds serious!

That Kelce couldn’t be present for the party is a bit of a bummer given reports that he planned to spare no expense in observance of Swift’s recent lap around the sun. Money may not be an object, but unfortunately, his very important, very necessary job entertaining men who like to wear his jersey with unflattering jeans, is.

Joined by longtime pals Blake Lively and Miles and Keleigh Teller, Brittany Mahomes’ girlie hit up a “microclub” called Outer Heaven on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. In my opinion, it looks pretty mid but I don’t like electronic music or drinks that surpass $15. I digress. She reportedly moved onto The Box. Much better!

Swift dressed to theme in a sequin minidress emblazoned with the moon and stars by Clio Peppiatt—a very similar one, in fact, to the one Lucia wore in season 2 of The White Lotus. Is this one of Swift’s famed easter eggs? Probably not! Am I having a giggle imagining her scamming Kelce for his Super Bowl LVII ring, Big Pharma contract, and Donna Kelce’s renowned cookie recipe? You bet your ass.

I’m sure America’s Couple™ will link up at a later date for their own not-so-secret soiree. In the meantime, because my new boss will fire me if I don’t include this (JK!): Happy Birthday, Taylor!

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