As Fat As I Wanna Be

I’m a bad fat. I can’t lie and say I do the HAES* thing. I don’t exercise. The majority of what I eat is junk/fast food and I eat when I’m not really hungry.

I had my gallbladder out not because I merely had gallstones but because I didn’t put the effort into avoiding foods high in fat so I kept having attacks. Yeah, all my numbers and levels are great, I have a super low cardiac risk score, and I don’t have any health problems because of my fat. But that’s definitely not by design.

When someone is fat shamed, the person doing the shaming often justifies it as them being concerned for the fat person’s health. Of course we know that’s bullshit. Fatphobia has nothing to do with health, if someone was really concerned they wouldn’t harp on it to the detriment of fat people’s self esteem. And a ton of fat people can attest that they eat healthily and exercise. I however, cannot. So is the health argument justified in my case? Well, no, because fat also has nothing to do with health. It’s the food I eat that’s the issue. It’s the fact that I eat when I’m definitely not physically hungry. It’s my lack of exercise.

Regardless, I shouldn’t be expected to prove that oh well I’m trying really hard not to be fat but OMG I’m still fat so leave me alone! If I’m fat by design then so fucking what, I’m “choosing to be fat”. Of course I would still be fat if I ate well, didn’t overeat and exercised, though I might be less fat. But guess what, I don’t really give a shit right now. I am the stereotypical lazy fat person, and I have a right to be that if I damn well please. I’m not repping for the entire FA movement. I’m not trying to set an example. And really, if it’s unacceptable to be a non-HAES fat then how can we say we’re accepting fat? We’re only accepting it if you make sure to do everything right but are still fat? We say fat isn’t a choice. Is it wrong if it is? I’ve gained roughly 10 pounds or so (I’m guessing by the way my clothes fit) since my surgery simply because I’ve chosen to not follow the rules. But that’s my choice and I am sure as shit not going to be shamed by either HAES enthusiasts or bigoted fatphobes.

It seems like whenever a fat person is included in a discussion in the media about the health risks of being fat they have to show their “I really do have healthy habits” card. I’m waiting for a fat person to sit there and be like, yeah, I have shitty eating habits, so what. Because really, it’s none of anyone’s business why I’m fat or what steps I take to “counteract” the fat with healthy choices. I’m not going to judge you and I expect not to be judged. And if I stop eating like shit and lose the weight I gained I don’t want to hear the bullshit about weight loss being anathema. My body, my weight, my choices, my health, MY BUSINESS.

*Health At Every Size

This post originally appeared on the blog Red Vinyl Shoes. Republished with permission.