As a Cat's Butthole, I am Offended

“So, baby, if you want me / You’ve got to show me love,” sang Robin S. on 1990 house track “Show Me Love.” The singer is not asking for much. She just wants reciprocity, an understanding that if she shows you her love then you’ll show her yours.

As a cat’s butthole, I can relate. Culturally, I am despised. Personally, I am shunned. I would like to think of myself as a good person, someone others would want to spend time with. I try to put myself out there. Raise my tail. Say “nice to meet you.” But I never get one back. Not even a “hey” or even a “later, gator.” My wellspring of love runneth over, yet they’d rather go thirsty, turning up their noses and recoiling in horror at the spoils spilling forth from my bountiful fountain. I tell myself they don’t mean it. That it’s just a misunderstanding. Kimberly, I whisper, You cannot take it personally. You’re a wonderful person. A loving sister and aunt.

Still, I’m left wondering…perhaps I should…

Today, I am greeted with yet another piece of evidence that you all hate me, you all truly hate me. KFC and Super Deluxe have created some kind of incomprehensible Facebook livestream event featuring a bunch of cats climbing around on a Colonel-themed cat tree, and they’ve released a video to promote it, also featuring a bunch of cats climbing around on a Colonel-themed cat tree.

For the first 30 seconds, I feel beautiful. I feel seen. As I watch those cats crawl around onscreen, I think of their b-holes, any one of which could be me. A second later, however, I feel disgusted, for these brands have pixelated one of their star’s innocent buttholes.

The face was fine, this decision suggest, but the back must not be mentioned, must less seen. We teach cat buttholes to shrink themselves, to gape a little smaller. We can have ambition, but not too much, lest we threaten the ego of the two eyes staring back. Message received. Loud and clear. Just know that although you might pixelate me, you will never find a pixel large enough to cover up the hatred in your heart.