On Friday, Ariana Grande wrote publicly about Mac Miller for the first time since he died of an apparent overdose on September 7. Initially, Grande honored her late ex-boyfriend with a single black-and-white photo posted to Instagram, with no caption. She also disabled the comments on her Instagram, presumably because Miller’s fans were starting to blame her for his death.

“i adored you from the day i met you when i was nineteen and i always will,” she wrote in the Instagram caption; the post itself is a video taken by Grande of Miller talking while he sits across from her. In her note, Grande addresses the sadness she feels not just at Miller’s death, but at their relationship, during which Miller openly struggled with addiction: “we talked about this. so many times. i’m so mad, i’m so sad i don’t know what to do.”

“you were my dearest friend. for so long. above anything else. i’m so sorry i couldn’t fix or take your pain away,” she writes. It’s a painful and sad to see that, while she knows that she did not owe that to Miller, Grande may have still expected it from herself.

Read the whole note here.