Apparently Everyone Wants a Partner with Nice Teeth and Good Grammar?

We’re all a bunch of Judge Mableans when it comes to sizing up possible partners, says an online survey of 5,481 singles ages 21 and older.

Apparently, when you assess a potential paramour, the first two things you rate are their teeth and grammar. Yes, grammar is more important than the clothes they wear or the car they drive. Honestly, this part can be seen as a beacon of hope for the future.

However, teeth. Are people really that picky about teeth? They’re just teeth!

A single man who answered that “teeth are very important” said “Taking care of your teeth is a good indicator of hygiene.” Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, a research professor at Rutgers University and a Match.com adviser who helped develop the survey, agrees. “From a Darwinian perspective, good teeth are a real indication of your health — how much you drink, smoke, what you’re eating,” she says.

Maybe that’s partially true, but aren’t teeth usually just a sign of genetics and wealth? As someone who won the straight, white, never had a cavity KNOCK ON WOOD teeth lottery, I know first hand that conventionally attractive teeth can have absolutely nothing to do with hygiene. (I didn’t start really brushing my teeth until college and still, I regularly skip evenings.)

Sure, not having teeth covered in last night’s corn kernels is better than having teeth covered in last night’s corn kernels, but is it possible that the rest is just good fortune? Did you get lucky with a straight pair of pearly white chompers, or did you grow up too poor to fix your snaggle tooth? Perhaps you can’t afford the variety of expensive surgeries and fancy teeth whitening goods to get that healthy-looking smile? Commercials selling us teeth whitening products taught us a blinding grin is very important, so it must be true.

According to the survey, hair, clothes, nails, and tattoos (or lack thereof) are other things people get hella judgmental about. It’d be nice if people at least made it interesting and starting judging hairlines, pores, nail beds, and bad morning breath.

Perhaps these are things you judge someone on in the first few minutes of a date, but are teeth really THAT important? As someone who doesn’t trust people with perfect teeth or grammar judgementalness (DON’T TEST ME), maybe I’m just opposite day in this equation. But I can’t be alone?

When survey takers were asked their “Top Relationship Must Haves”, there was more divergence between men and women.

Men want someone they can confide in, and women want someone who treats them with respect. Being physically attractive is important to a man, but it doesn’t rank in the women’s top 5. Evidently ladies prefer a sense of humor, shared values, and communication skills. Basically, it’s reaffirming everything you’ve ever known about how men and women are supposed to act.