It’s really hard to say when this all began.
Ansel Elgort, actor/DJ, has been making me want to die for a while now. My body, at some point, simply began erupting with incredibly strong physical feelings—negative feelings, to be clear—every time I caught a glimpse of his Germanic, hairless face on TMZ. Why? I am not entirely sure. It could be because he has, as mentioned above, a DJ alter-ego named Ansolo who exclusively plays EDM. In that same vein, it might be because his interests and behaviors make me deeply afraid for this generation of the human race. It could also have something to do with the fact that he reminds me of my 1st grade enemy, Fritz, who picked his nose and weirded me out.
But because I was not consulted in the matter, this sweaty 20-year-old appears to be transforming into a bona fide A-lister. The second installment of the Divergent series is out on March 20, and Elgort has been promoting the film heavily. Yesterday, for example, BuzzFeed made the questionable decision to hand their Twitter feed over to Elgort for #AnselFeed, in which he answered questions from fans and completely ignored me. I don’t think I’m overstating this when I say that it was 19 minutes of absolute anarchy.
Now, listen, before I go any further: I don’t expect for mine to be a popular opinion. Ansel Elgort’s star is (incredibly, somehow, against the laws of reason and nature) rising fast—his turn in The Fault in Our Stars managed to catch the eye of every teen in the world and also, apparently (I am still processing this) several of my very own coworkers. But if you’ll just humor me for a moment, let’s take a quick dive into Ansel Elgort’s favorite things:
OWNING AT BASKETBALL
Ansel Elgort loves basketball. There is nothing inherently wrong with this fact, and yet every time Mr. Elgort says or does something basketball-related, I want to duct tape myself into a giant nest of hornets that will sting me until I can’t feel anything anymore.
A recent cover story for Details found Ansel Elgort thirstily preparing—via “training, doing plyometrics, working on my legs”—for the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game at Madison Square Garden (whose other players included Arcade Fire’s Win Butler and “America’s Got Talent” host Nick Cannon) “as if it’s the game of his life.” It’s also important to note that Elgort believes “it’s important to be good with both hands.”
“I want to dunk in the game,” he says, eagerly grasping the ball at chest level with both hands. “I want people to know I can do it.”
He couldn’t do it, obviously. Ansel Elgort lost the big game. In a video posted to Madison Square Garden’s Instagram account, he tried to be chillaxed about it:
“I think I’d rather watch, ’cause I’m not a basketball player and I was a little bit embarrassed, I missed a wide open lay-up, but it’s OK, I came back and hit a couple of free throws at the end and that sealed the deal for us so that made me feel good.”
“Aw,” you might be thinking. “He just wants to be good at basketball, why are you such a monster?”
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