Another Official Dog Wedding Mocks Commitment-Averse Humans

Two dogs (not these two alarmed dachshunds) that were injured during a 2008 earthquake in China’s Sichuan province recently celebrated their nuptials, which culminated with the new couple being collared together in a single wreath as they gazed wildly at the grinning human faces around them. Did they know precisely what was happening in that moment when they became legally fused to one another? Probably not, but the romantic saga of Guaiguai and Lanlan is almost as compelling as The English Patient.

After surviving the Sichuan earthquake in 2008, Lanlan languished in the Home of Rescued Animals. She probably had a body cast on like that dog from There’s Something About Mary, and she shared her story of earthquake survival between sips of tepid water with Juliette Binoche (I don’t know exactly — this is how romantic sagas are created, though, so hang tight). One day, Guaiguai’s owner brought him to the hospital, and Lanlan was like, “Dat ass,” which was framed perfectly in Guaiguai’s makeshift wheelchair apparatus. Oh yes, another important detail — both Guaiguai and Lanlan’s back legs were injured in the earthquake, so they have adorable little training wheels to help them roll around the world. Together.

The pair fell so hard for each other that the good human people in their community took it upon themselves to plan an entire wedding ceremony, right down to a parade in fancy cages and a legally-binding marriage certificate, because people need to project their own anxieties about romance onto animals, dammit — it’s the anthrocentric way. No word on where Guaiguai and Lanlan are registered, but I’m almost positive they wouldn’t roll their eyes at another basket of tinned meats.