Angela Merkel Would Very Much Like Donald Trump to Put His Dick Back in His Pants

Angela Merkel lived out every thinking woman’s nightmare this weekend when she was forced to spend two days with Donald Trump at the G7 summit in Quebec, Canada. And though Quebec has many lovely old buildings and seabird sanctuaries, it appears Merkel did not come away from her visit with many positive thoughts, particularly with respect to our Dear Leader and his dick-measuring contest with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

“The situation isn’t very nice,” she told German public television on Sunday, offering a rather decorous depiction of the whiny, racist, xenophobic, TV-addicted child who somehow manages to occupy a position in global leadership. Merkel reportedly was not pleased with Trump’s behavior after the summit, which, for those of you who were smart enough to keep your phones on airplane mode this weekend, included calling Trudeau “very dishonest and weak” on Twitter for criticizing U.S. tariffs on steel and aluminum, and essentially pulling the United States out of the G7 allies’ joint statement on trade.

Merkel called Trump’s move “sobering and a bit depressing,” which seems like an understatement, though since she’s not currently residing in a country that’s about to team up with North Korea to go to war with Canada—a plot point I am fairly certain was the crux of the acclaimed documentary South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut—perhaps she doesn’t feel quite as much urgency as some of us on this side of the pond.

Indeed, it sounds like none of the other G7 countries want to play with Trump, now that he’s gone and shoved one of their friends in the sandbox. “International cooperation can’t depend on anger and small words,” Elysee Palace, the official residence of the President of France, said in a statement on Sunday, according to CNN. “We spent two days obtaining a draft and commitments. We stick to it. And anyone who leaves and turns their back on them shows their inconsistency,”

All in all, Merkel said the outcome of the summit “wasn’t a great thing,” at least in terms of the United States’s relationship with its longtime allies. “Sometimes I get the impression that the U.S. president believes that only one side wins and the other loses,” Merkel said. Unfortunately, there’s a pretty good chance he (and we) are on the losing side here, though if Canada ever invades us, I humbly volunteer as Trudeau’s prisoner.