An Alien's Message For Earth Bros

In case the “mancation” was not ridiculous enough, now fans of neologisms and extremely broad stereotypes of masculinity can embark on another kind of trip: the “brocation.” We decided to get an outsider’s perspective on this phenomenon.

No, a brocation not when you and all your buddies make lovely brocade tapestries — although I wish it was. Instead, Orlando Winters of the Miami New Times defines it thusly:

A brocation is a vacation where dudes go some place to have some good, testosterone-filled fun. It’s no place for women they know on a first-name basis. And there are no limits on the sort of debauchery that can go down during a brocation. But most of all, there’s a strict “shut the fuck up about that thing that happened, you know the thing, the thing with that chick and her whatever. Yeah, that thing” policy in place.

Her whatever? Here Winters appears to be playing Bro Mad Libs. The obvious noun here is vagina, but there are so many other options. Rhinoceros? Soufflé? Career? Insightful thoughts about postmodernism? The brocation is a man-splendored thing. Also, a many dumbass-nicknamed thing. Here are some of the characters you may find on a brocation:

Frank the Tank
T-Bone
Broseidon
Trader Joe
Fat Fred
Bobby Bitchtits

I did not make any of these up. Also, that time you went on brocay to Vegas, Mr. Bitchtits might have “unintentionally participated in some minor human trafficking.” So many lolz!

Sometimes when I read an article apparently aimed at men (but not at any actual real man I have met, at least not with any sense of humor or shame), I wonder what it would make an alien think about the human male. Today I decided to find out. I showed Winters’s column to Zyzgazott, a blogger for popular Alpha Centauri-based site YourTentacles. He decided to use it (along with supplementary material from Maxim, AskMen, and the oeuvre of Tucker Max) to write his very own column for human men. See what you think:

Yo, bro! Would you like some brologna? Ha-ha! Penises.

I saw a woman. I do not respect her at all! What do you think? The bitch takes my sex.

Do you want a beer with me? I am Fred. Fred the Bed. I am a bed for women. A woman with ten breasts gets on the bed that is me.

Let me take you on a bro-trip. We will ride in a broat. We will eat bro-ccoli. We will put it in our butts. We will make sex with a brostitute. We will get broken brones. Trauma unit! Funlarious. I forgot my wife’s name. I forgot my address. What matter? I laughing at crimes. Sex penis. Dick party. Bro-dick. Brojob. Bye!