America's Worst Couple Is Maybe Breaking Up

Illustration for article titled Americas Worst Couple Is Maybe Breaking Up
Image: Emma McIntyre (Getty Images)

Winter is coming. The sky is now dark before Jeopardy starts. The air smells like regret, sadness, and, occasionally, smoke. Everyone around you is preparing themselves for a long road ahead, and love—sweet love—has maybe died in the home of Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton, who have had it up to here in quarantine!!!

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Us Weekly’s little birds report that America’s most over-the-top, possibly-fake, and definitely-disgusting couple have been riding out the duration of quarantine on Blake’s ranch in Oklahoma. This has been taxing on both of them, which is understandable, since their relationship makes no sense and also, is maybe fake?

Let’s see, here:

“They feel suffocated and stressed,” a source exclusively reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly. “They’re both stretched to the limit.”

Many of the issues between the couple of nearly five years stem from the stress that comes with moving. In May, they purchased a $13.2 million mansion in the Encino neighborhood of Los Angeles.

“Friends say this move has turned into a nightmare,” the source says. “This is the toughest period they’ve had so far without a doubt.”

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Mmmmmm. I’m certainly not in a position to say what anyone should be doing with anyone else, especially two famous people who met on The Voice and could both buy and sell me at least three times over, but I think that hastily quarantining on a ranch in Oklahoma and then also buying a mansion in Encino with someone is not quite the move to be making when the world at large is experiencing a pandemic!

The ranch in Oklahoma does sound nice, but isn’t there enough room on that thing for both of them to spread out a little? Briefly scrolling through this listicle about his ranch, I learned that Sheldon built a Hawaiian-style lakehouse for his California girl as a wedding present. That’s nice! The listicle also informs me that he bought her a pony and that she’s “adapting” to being a Pioneer Woman-adjacent ranch hand’s wife or whatever. Or... is she? If it were me, I would shack up in the lake house, lock the door, and exit only when I was out of seltzer and Xanax, but you do you, Gwen. Also, good luck. [Us Weekly]


No offense to Brad Pitt’s midlife-crisis accessory, 27-year old model Nicole Poturalski, but I don’t think she’s trying to “say” anything other than a banal message of general love and support in These Times.

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Hollywood Life seems to think that this message, which is “Happy people don’t hate” followed by three orange heart emoji, is a subtle hint to Pitt’s ex, Angelina Jolie, and also a nod or nudge towards their extremely messy divorce, which is still ongoing. While I would love to lose three hours of my life to mapping out the possibility of this “dis” via a Homeland-style, red-stringed evidence wall, I simply... will not. This probably doesn’t mean anything—unless it does. [Hollywood Life]

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  • Here’s a fun fact about Tina Knowles. [People]
  • Here’s a fun fact about Gimli. [TMZ]
  • Here’s an annoying (but fun) fact about Noel Gallagher. [Page Six]

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

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“Friends say this move has turned into a nightmare,” the source says. “This is the toughest period they’ve had so far without a No Doubt.”

C’mon, Us Weekly. This was a lay up.