American Horror Story Baddest Witch: How to Bone Your Frankenboyfriend

So you meet a cute dude at a party and he’s killed in a bus crash that very same night. You and your friend reassemble and resurrect him, but he comes back a little wrong and you’re not quite sure what to do. We’ve all been there, right? It’s almost like American Horror Story is our story (sorry, Girls).

Last night’s Coven gave us a little more insight into the past of Kyle the Frankenboyfriend. We now know that he’s a Toto fan who wanted to be an engineer. We also know that he hates tattoos, as demonstrated by that time he got drunk and heckled his frat bros at the tattoo parlor as they got inked up. Jokes on him, though, because now that he’s been pieced together with the various limbs of his friends, he’s stuck with all the shitty tattoos and is NOT happy about it. Understandable — I got a tramp stamp when I was 18 and I’m not thrilled with that either.

But enough about me. Zoe, decked out in a pair of leather overalls (yeah, LEATHER OVERALLS), decides she needs to put Kyle out of his misery. (I guess she hates ankle tats, too.) At the last moment, right as Kyle’s about to blow his own head off for her, she has second thoughts and relocates him to her bedroom for a little Anne Sullivan-style tutelage. “Wa-wa, Frankenboyfriend! Wa-wa!” she repeats until the words finally start to click. Unfortunately, her lesson is interrupted by Madison: Undead and Not Loving It, who tells her Cordelia needs a word, but not to worry, she’ll take care of Frankenboyfriend while Zoe is away.

Cordelia, having caught the second sight, has cottoned on that her mother Fiona murdered Madison once she suspected her of being the Ultimate Grand Supreme and wants to give Zoe (who probably IS the next Ultimate Grand Supreme) fair warning of what might happen if Fiona finds out. “If she thinks you’re next, you’re next,” Cordelia cautions.

Zoe, having become increasingly brave and ferocious over the past few weeks (again, just look at her leather overalls!), won’t go down without a fight. Not only does she reattach Spalding’s tongue and get him to tell the truth about what happened to Madison, but she stabs him in the heart once she’s done with him. RIP, Spalding. You died doing what you loved — hanging out in the attic with your creepy-ass dolls.

Meanwhile, Madison and Frankenboyfriend are getting along swimmingly, which is to say that they’re both exorcising their post-mortem existential crises by sexing up against an armoire. About that: Evan Peters is super HUBBA HUBBA and all, but considering Kyle’s current mental state, isn’t this a little like having sex with Koko the Gorilla or, like, a hot blonde version of Koko the Gorilla? Sure, he’s got a human shape and there’s some intelligence trapped up in that brain of his, but he’s also a little limited at this point. I guess that’s not enough to stop Madison — or Zoe for that matter — from riding that train all the way to Bone Town. Zoe, embracing her adventurous side (LEATHER OVERALLS), ends up accepting an invite from the zombie couple to join them in a threesome and thus a triad was born!

Speaking of boning, Fiona is out getting hot and heavy with the Axeman serial killer like she don’t give a fuck that there’s a dead jazz musician in the Axeman’s bathroom (btw, there’s a dead jazz musician in the Axeman’s bathroom). While watching this, I tried to remember the last time I’d seen a 60-something woman in a scene this hot and heavy on television and ended up drawing a complete blank. Way to make it happen for older ladies everywhere, Lange. Too bad it had to be with a serial killer though. I guess it’s true! All of the good ones are taken or gay!

Fiona ends up finding out the Axeman’s true identity after he gives a real creepy monologue about how he — as a ghost — has been watching her since she was a little girl, when he fell in love with her like a father loves a daughter. Eventually, as she got older, his love for her matured into something more…penis focused, which barf. BARF. BAAAAARFARONI. Oh, well. What else should we expect from someone that into jazz?

At first, Fiona responds to Axeman’s confession the way any sane person would. By telling him to fuck off and leaving. Unfortunately, her ongoing panic attack/insecurity about aging drives her back into his company. Look, in the mirror, you hot bitch. You could be 80 and STILL be too sexy for a saxophonist.