American Horror Story Baddest Witch: How to Bone Your Frankenboyfriend

So you meet a cute dude at a party and he’s killed in a bus crash that very same night. You and your friend reassemble and resurrect him, but he comes back a little wrong and you’re not quite sure what to do. We’ve all been there, right? It’s almost like American Horror Story is our story (sorry, Girls).

Last night’s Coven gave us a little more insight into the past of Kyle the Frankenboyfriend. We now know that he’s a Toto fan who wanted to be an engineer. We also know that he hates tattoos, as demonstrated by that time he got drunk and heckled his frat bros at the tattoo parlor as they got inked up. Jokes on him, though, because now that he’s been pieced together with the various limbs of his friends, he’s stuck with all the shitty tattoos and is NOT happy about it. Understandable — I got a tramp stamp when I was 18 and I’m not thrilled with that either.

But enough about me. Zoe, decked out in a pair of leather overalls (yeah, LEATHER OVERALLS), decides she needs to put Kyle out of his misery. (I guess she hates ankle tats, too.) At the last moment, right as Kyle’s about to blow his own head off for her, she has second thoughts and relocates him to her bedroom for a little Anne Sullivan-style tutelage. “Wa-wa, Frankenboyfriend! Wa-wa!” she repeats until the words finally start to click. Unfortunately, her lesson is interrupted by Madison: Undead and Not Loving It, who tells her Cordelia needs a word, but not to worry, she’ll take care of Frankenboyfriend while Zoe is away.

Cordelia, having caught the second sight, has cottoned on that her mother Fiona murdered Madison once she suspected her of being the Ultimate Grand Supreme and wants to give Zoe (who probably IS the next Ultimate Grand Supreme) fair warning of what might happen if Fiona finds out. “If she thinks you’re next, you’re next,” Cordelia cautions.

Zoe, having become increasingly brave and ferocious over the past few weeks (again, just look at her leather overalls!), won’t go down without a fight. Not only does she reattach Spalding’s tongue and get him to tell the truth about what happened to Madison, but she stabs him in the heart once she’s done with him. RIP, Spalding. You died doing what you loved — hanging out in the attic with your creepy-ass dolls.

Meanwhile, Madison and Frankenboyfriend are getting along swimmingly, which is to say that they’re both exorcising their post-mortem existential crises by sexing up against an armoire. About that: Evan Peters is super HUBBA HUBBA and all, but considering Kyle’s current mental state, isn’t this a little like having sex with Koko the Gorilla or, like, a hot blonde version of Koko the Gorilla? Sure, he’s got a human shape and there’s some intelligence trapped up in that brain of his, but he’s also a little limited at this point. I guess that’s not enough to stop Madison — or Zoe for that matter — from riding that train all the way to Bone Town. Zoe, embracing her adventurous side (LEATHER OVERALLS), ends up accepting an invite from the zombie couple to join them in a threesome and thus a triad was born!

Speaking of boning, Fiona is out getting hot and heavy with the Axeman serial killer like she don’t give a fuck that there’s a dead jazz musician in the Axeman’s bathroom (btw, there’s a dead jazz musician in the Axeman’s bathroom). While watching this, I tried to remember the last time I’d seen a 60-something woman in a scene this hot and heavy on television and ended up drawing a complete blank. Way to make it happen for older ladies everywhere, Lange. Too bad it had to be with a serial killer though. I guess it’s true! All of the good ones are taken or gay!

Fiona ends up finding out the Axeman’s true identity after he gives a real creepy monologue about how he — as a ghost — has been watching her since she was a little girl, when he fell in love with her like a father loves a daughter. Eventually, as she got older, his love for her matured into something more…penis focused, which barf. BARF. BAAAAARFARONI. Oh, well. What else should we expect from someone that into jazz?

At first, Fiona responds to Axeman’s confession the way any sane person would. By telling him to fuck off and leaving. Unfortunately, her ongoing panic attack/insecurity about aging drives her back into his company. Look, in the mirror, you hot bitch. You could be 80 and STILL be too sexy for a saxophonist.

Back at Witch School, the oddest Buddy Comedy to ever exist continues apace. Queenie and LaLaurie have grown especially close, thanks mostly to their shared love of food (EYE ROLL). At one point, they even admit that they’re sort of friends, which is weird, but oddly touching? If there’s one thing this show is good at, it’s making you sympathize with people who should be decidedly unsympathetic. Of course, LaLaurie (who has committed acts of unspeakable evil) is the worst offender, but it even happens with Fiona and Marie Laveau. When you think about it, Fiona — while totally the coolest — is also a serial killer whose selfishness knows no bounds. And it’s not like Laveau, with her incredible powers of magic and manipulation, doesn’t have sinister tricks hidden up her sleeve.

Another thing AHS is good at is making you regret your sympathy as soon as you feel it. It’s a testament to the talent of Kathy Bates that LaLaurie was — well, I am not going to say that she was becoming likable, but she was becoming softer and more human. Of course, that’s when they throw in a flashback to remind us just what a monster she is (this one involves the murder of an infant and eventual suicide of the baby’s mother). The story is enough to (fairly) turn Queenie against her and get herself delivered directly into the waiting hands of Laveau.

Laveau had promised Queenie that handing over LaLaurie would secure her place among the Voudon, but we’re left wondering — after Laveau starts spreading the blood of a tortured LaLaurie over her face (which, if you remember, is the same “stay young forever” trick that LaLaurie used back in her sadist days) — just how sincere or pure that promise is.

So who is this week’s baddest witch?

Fiona

Why she’s the baddest: She’s not squeamish (+100) and she looks good even when her hair is falling out in clumps (100). Total points: 200

Why she’s not: Fiona is losing it and becoming desperate (-500). Witch, where is your self respect? Total points: -500

Final Verdict: -300. Fiona, Baddest Witch 100 times running, has her first bad week.

Queenie

Why she’s the baddest: It’s exciting to see her connect with the Voudons (100), she trusts her instincts (150) and she seems to have a slightly better understanding of the concept of a gray area than pretty much any other witch on this show (200). She also managed to dress LaLaurie up in an astounding tiger sweatsuit (500). Total points: 950

Why she’s not: She’s too easily swayed. A friendship with LaLaurie is a bad idea, but I’m pretty sure a friendship with Laveau isn’t the safest bet either (-300). Total points: -300

Final Verdict: 650

Zoe

Why she’s the baddest: LEATHER OVERALLS (1,000 points.)

Also: girl is becoming unstoppable. Her magic is increasingly impressive (200), she took out Spalding without blinking an eye (200) AND she’s polyamorous now (200). Get. It. Total points: 1,600

Why she’s not: I got nothing.

Final Verdict: 1,60o.

Why she’s the baddest: Is there anything wrong with Angela Bassett? Seriously — her cadence, her acting, her ability to wear jumpsuit after jumpsuit and never have a camel toe? ALL FLAWLESS. Plus, Marie Laveau is seriously powerful and terrifying. I love her, I love her, I love her. (1,ooo,ooo). Total points: 1,000,000

Why she’s not: She seems a little evil? But that doesn’t make her any less of a Bad Witch, so minus zero.