Allure Takes Us Back To A Time Before Feminism

The February issue of Allure has a decidedly retro feel, with articles that will transport you back to the less-enlightened era of your choosing.

While something about the cover photo of Isla Fisher screams ’80s, the mag’s identifying her as the wife of a successful man (despite the fact that she isn’t actually married) is so very ’50s. But, there’s also a guide to achieving a grunge-inspired “bed head” look, ripped straight from the pages of Seventeen magazine circa 1992. Basically, Allure is the perfect escape for ladies who have had it with all this talk of the ongoing financial crisis and the dawning of the age of Obama. When this much of your thinking is devoted to picking the perfect nail polish color, the only current affairs you have the capacity for are the backstage politics at Dancing With the Stars. Below, we rewrite the cover lines of Allure to better reflect the antiquated mores contained within.