Next week, People Magazine will announce 2013’s Sexiest Man Alive and — if rumor proves true — the title will go to Adam Levine, a.k.a the human equivalent of testing positive for chlamydia.
We can mostly agree that Sexiest Man Alive is a meaningless title. Past winners include safe choices like Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds — all perfectly pleasant-seeming guys with personalities about as exciting and inoffensive as a Pillsbury Crescent roll. But say you took that Pillsbury Crescent roll, sprinkled it with broken glass and turned it into an outspoken yoga enthusiast who won’t stop trying to talk you into anal — then you have Adam Levine. People has officially taken “Sexiest Man Alive” from enjoyably generic to Maroon 5 song-level repellent.
To be fair, sexiness is an entirely subjective concept! Apart from Alan Alda and Beyoncé, there’s probably not a single person on this planet who we can all agree is sexy. Some people — specifically those of us who are actively turned-off by charisma, charm and talent — are attracted to Adam Levine and that’s fine! It’s wrong/grody to the max, but still fine! You weirdos deserve a safe place to express your sexual perversion just like the rest of us, even if yours happens to be sicker and more puzzling than most. That said, come on, People. It’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” not “Person Who Most Reminds You of an Infection You Got from a Hot Tub” (though, weirdly, that’s a magazine I would definitely read).
It’s hard to nail down what it is exactly that makes Levine such a piss-poor choice for Sexiest Man Alive. It’s definitely not because of his looks — he has a human shape and face where his face should be, which are both handsome qualities. He is symmetrical in the way that People’s Sexiest Men Alive tend to be symmetrical. So that leaves us with his terribly smug personality and terribly terrible music.
‘But that’s mean,’ you might be thinking. ‘How can we say he has a terrible personality if none of us actually know him?’
That’s a fair question! How can we judge what he’s like if we’ve never actually interacted with him? By using quotes directly from Adam Levine, of course!
Take it away, Leather Wrist Cuff: The Man!
From Women’s Health in 2010:
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.”
From MTV in 2004:
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