Adam Levine Is a Twerp Who Has No Business Being the Sexiest Man Alive

We heard the whispers and now our nightmares have come true: As announced on The Voice last night, Adam Levine has been named People's Sexiest Man Alive. In a stunning victory for douchebags everywhere, Levine joins the ranks of a bunch of other white guys; this development is an opportune time to remind everyone that despite what the slack-jawed editors at a middling celebrity glossy tell you, he is NOT the sexiest man alive. As Madeleine Davies points out in her groundbreaking examination of the matter — which we've helpfully unearthed for your reading pleasure below — Adam Levine is "the human equivalent of testing positive for chlamydia." Preach.