A Transcript of What Trudeau and Macron Probably Said on Their Intimate Walk Through Sicily

On Friday, French president Emmanuel Macron tweeted a video of him on a romantic flânerie with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. In the video, the two slender francophones can be seen walking the famous gravel garden paths of Sicily (is this something? I’ve never left midtown Manhattan), speaking in hushed tones about politics, life, their mutual sexual desire for each other and for me.

Here they are again, from a few other angles:

Unless you’re a fluent French speaker and an even more fluent reader of luscious French-speaking lips, you probably can’t suss out what the two are saying in the video. Fortunately, we’ve provided a rough transcript.*

MACRON: I thought we’d never get away.

TRUDEAU: It’s not safe. There are cameras everywhere.

MACRON: So be subtle. Speak in code. POLITICS POLITICS GLOBAL NUCLEAR CONFLICT. I love you.

TRUDEAU: THE VALUE OF THE YEN IS PLUMMETING. I love you too. Run away with me. WE HAVE A COIN CALLED THE LOONIE.

MACRON: But I can’t. What about stopping the spread of populism? What about saving the world from the Big Cheese Wizard? [Editor’s note: This is an old French folk character—there is no good English translation.]

TRUDEAU: There is no hope! It’s coming! Let’s escape to my cabin just outside Saskatoon. I will feed you a Tim Horton’s biscuit sandwich and help you locate and access your free medical care, even though its such an easy system you won’t even need my help.