Star Wars zips and zaps into theaters this weekend, and I was lucky enough to see it last night with a hugely excited crowd who screamed, laughed, and applauded at all the right moments. It was a wonderful theatrical experience for a truly wonderful movie—one worthy of its years-long hype and the Star Wars name itself. And though I don’t want to spoil any of the plot for you or reveal some of its many surprises, I do want to talk about one thing: BB-8.
BB-8 is a very special droid who, in many ways, is the most important character in the movie. BB-8 made me laugh. BB-8 made me gasp. BB-8 made me squeal. BB-8 is what I want for Christmas. BB-8 is the cutest thing I have ever seen.
Look at it.
What I felt for BB-8 is what I imagine people felt for R2-D2 after seeing A New Hope for the first time in 1977. Only, you know what? I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say BB-8 is better than the former Cutest Droid In the Galaxy in every way. BB-8 moves more quickly. BB-8 can never fall over because BB-8 is a ball. BB-8 has a kinder, more emotive voice. Not only do I understand how parents feel when they say their baby is the cutest one they’ve ever seen, I think BB-8 is cuter than any baby I’ve ever seen or probably will ever see. Though you may believe children are our future, I believe—after seeing BB-8—that children are most definitely our past. I want to adopt BB-8.
Just look.
BB-8 makes me wonder why I ever interact with other humans at all. Why am I wasting my time in endless conversations about work and life and the Kardashians and social issues and the Kardashians and politics and the Kardashians with people I don’t even like when I could say literally anything to BB-8 and hear a series of psychologically pleasing beeps and whirrs and hums in response? No conversation with someone who speaks my language could possibly be as rewarding as one with BB-8 that requires no active listening or feigned interest. From now on I will look at all my friends with disgust and resentment, knowing they’ll never quite live up to the communication skills of an orange ball that goes, “OooOOOooOOoOOoOooo beep beep beep whirrrrrrr!”
Here’s my favorite conversationalist again.
Since seeing Star Wars: The Force Awakens, I’ve done nothing but imagine my life with BB-8 in it. We’d roam the streets of New York, smiling at people who smile at us. Posing for photos with strangers. Drinking coffee on the pier. Lying in Central Park under the stars. BB-8 would beep goodnight to me before rolling into his charging station and keeping watch over my apartment. Making sure I’m always safe. Making sure I’ll always be BB’s Bobby. But this is all just a dream. I will never be with BB-8. Unless…
Ugh, just look at it.