Has everyone seen Martin Lawrence's stand-up special You So Crazy? This part is the part I'm talking about here. Sometimes your lover is being a piece of shit on the exact same day that there's a good rap party and you have no choice but to go to the club in your Fuck Him Boots. Fuck him, girl. Fuck him.
Here's some music to get ready to. Common themes: dude rappers, cheating, sex, breakups. You have to be at least a little horny while getting ready in order to create the right look. Dude rappers make me horny, so that's what I listen to in preparation. A lot of the songs also talk about hoes. On nights like these I'm the hoe and the pimp, in my mind.
Another thread: "I'M THE BEST." All of these songs are pretty much about being the best, which is how you should feel until about 2 a.m.. This playlist is only half an hour long because you shouldn't spend more time than that getting ready.
Listen to the full playlist on Spotify here.
1. Big K.R.I.T. feat. Big Sant, "Return of 4Eva"
"Lookin' for a diva to wide receiver a D."
Big K.R.I.T. is the most adorable rapper. He raps about Friday Night Lights, sincerely. He yells "I made this beat!" during any song that he made the beat for just in case you missed that he raps and also makes his own beats, mom. Hit play after your hair is pretty much done but before you've applied any makeup. Tool around your bathroom collecting your face paint and line it all up in and around the sink. Look at yourself. You are one bad bitch and you're about to get even badder.
2. DJ Khaled feat. Drake, Rick Ross & Lil Wayne, "I'm On One"
"I walk around the club. Fuck everybody."
Tonight you are on one. What does that even mean? Who cares! You're just on one. Which means you're going to need to wear primer and then do some heavy-duty contouring. The lights are dim in the club so don't worry if you feel like a clown with all this makeup on—you'll barely be able to see it on the dance floor.
3. Paul Wall, "Sittin' Sidewayz"
"Hoes that diss me in the club same hoes in the parking lot boppin'."
If you play your cards right, and by cards I mean eye makeup, you may end up boppin' in the parking lot, too. (Right, Paul?) You're going full Kardashian tonight—layers upon layers of smoky shadow, liner on your waterline and in your lashes, full brows, liquid liner and highlighter.
4. Timbaland feat. Drake, "Say Something"
"I sit and drink wine and watch Californication of life."
Now slow down because this is where things get tricky. You're going to have to wear false eyelashes. Don't fight it. These are fun ones. It's going to take this entire song to apply them correctly — the key is to let the glue dry on the lash strip until it's a bit tacky before placing the lashes on your lash line. Don't rush it.
5. Mario feat. Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett, "Break Up"
"Don't when I dive, I dive deep?"
This song only gets you horny if you've seen the video, so go watch it. I'll wait.
See the girls in that video? Try your best to look exactly like them. Now add some pink blush to your cheeks — Mata Hari by NARS is my new jam — and bronzer following the darker areas you contoured. You are almost ready for sex, err, I mean for dancing!
6. Big Boi feat. Yelawolf, "You Ain't No DJ"
"My momma gave birth to a 10-pound, 6-ounce dream!"
Yelawolf used to get me all hot and bothered but then he got a face tattoo in the wrong place and ruined it. Anyway, this song is still great. Wanna try a "nude" lip? Your eye makeup is out of control so let's be chill here. The key is to blend your foundation over your lips and then use a lipliner that is just a tidge darker than your skin color. Now put on some of this Kevyn Aucoin gloss that they stopped making years ago. Blow a kiss to yourself in the mirror. Go get dressed.
7. Beyonce feat. J. Cole, "Party"
"Speakers knocking 'til the morning light. Cuz we like to partay... Ay... Ay!"
This songs makes absolutely no sense. "I may be young but I'm ready, to give you all my love... cuz we like to party?" What is she even talking about? I don't care, this track bangs and I too like to party, Bey, so we have that in common. By now you should be in your shortest dress, perched on the edge of your bed zipping up your thigh-highest thigh high boots. Admire your work and fuck him, girl.
Art by Tara Jacoby. Image by Jane Marie.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.