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A Non Christian's Guide To Sexy White Jesus

Illustration for article titled A Non Christians Guide To Sexy White Jesus

Last week, the latest interpretation of the life of noted dude Jesus Christ hit the big screen. Son of God, the movie in which the "Satan" character was removed for too closely resembling a certain Head of State, is an overview of Jesus' life, from birth to resurrection. More importantly, it features a very good looking Jesus. But it's not like that's a first. Our film and television industry boasts a long and illustrious history of portraying the Christian Lord n' Savior as one saucy minx (and almost always a white dude). (I mean, as a Hindu, that's pretty much the extent of my understanding of Christianity: God has the world's worst trust exercises—a foreskin!? really?! whatever happened to falling backwards?—and his son is hot.)

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So here's a conveniently curated list of Hot White Jesuses from 20th-21st century screen media, none of which I have actually watched.

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Diogo Mordalo—Son of God (2014), The Bible (2013)

Illustration for article titled A Non Christians Guide To Sexy White Jesus

This dude has played Jesus, not once, but twice. He's experienced and he looks like an approachable Jon Snow. Also he's Portuguese. This is the Jesus of your OK Cupid dreams.

Robert Powell—Jesus of Nazareth (1977)

Illustration for article titled A Non Christians Guide To Sexy White Jesus
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Mysterious and aloof, this Jesus has some baggage and needs someone to break down the wall he has built up around his heart and let him love again.

Willem Defoe—The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)

Illustration for article titled A Non Christians Guide To Sexy White Jesus
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You're attracted to this Jesus in the same way that you're attracted to your weed dealer. Kinda hot, but there's a good chance there's a bedsheet-sized fabric Bob Marley poster somewhere in his room.

Max Von Sydow—The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965)

Oof, this Jesus is a doozy. He has potential, but he's over-manicured. Shops exclusively at Express for Men.

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Jim Caviezel—The Passion of the Christ (2004)

Illustration for article titled A Non Christians Guide To Sexy White Jesus
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This is your classically handsome Jesus. This guy is it. Great features, and can easily translate into that hip 1800s miner look the kids are talking about these days.

Jeremy Sisto—Jesus (1999)

Illustration for article titled A Non Christians Guide To Sexy White Jesus
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Oh Jesus. You're a nice guy, and I like you and everything, but um, I guess I'm just not attracted to you in that way. Don't blame yourself, there's someone amazing out there for you who will love you how you deserve to be loved.

Brian Deacon—Jesus (1979)

This Jesus kind of looks like he works in an organic coffee shop, but don't be fooled. Hot barista Jesus is the best kind of Jesus. You can get lost in his eyes for hours as he explains the importance of "the grind" of the coffee beans and how it affects the crema or whatever.

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Ted Neely—Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)

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Is this Jesus from Nazareth or from Venice, California? This sexy beach bum Jesus looks like he's been catching some wave…and our hearts.

Jeffrey Hunter—King of Kings (1961)

This is a sexy Jesus to end all sexy Jesuses, and I don't even go for blonds. Maybe it's the vintage look, maybe it's the blue eyes (of dubious nature), but this Jesus is definitely the quintessential sexy Jesus.

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Congratulations! You're all going to hell now!

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DISCUSSION

I swear to spaghetti monster that I don't want to be this person, and I'm sorry for being this person, and I hate me for being this person, and I'm the one who clicked this headline...but these like six weeks are the least appropriate weeks to goof on Christianity. Maybe that makes it funnier; I get that, intellectually. And I get that some stupid movie is coming out.

But I'm like the world's most liberal Christian, and even I felt bummed to read the words "sexy Jesus" the Sunday before Ash Wednesday. Maybe even the real, historical Jesus had Magic Mike abs, but can we talk about them after we're done with the holiest and most sacred part of the Christian year? A living dude who was a brave religious and political revolutionary, who at minimum inspired billions of people to be slightly less dickish and is single-handedly keeping the US Postal Service in business, was tortured and killed in a horrific manner about 2,050 years ago. I'd prefer we make fun after the anniversary of the execution is over.

I'm cool criticizing Christians, the Catholic Church, the insaner (read: most southern) flavors of fundamentalists at any time, whatever. I get that this is coming across as touchy and lame. But today's the day I (and millions of others) get in the zone of reflecting spiritually for a month and a half. I guess that makes me sensitive, and I take responsibility for that. I swear I'd giggle if it were May. But I didn't love this, and I guess I just wanted to communicate that.

I'll add "being a humorless bitch" to my list of things to confess on Wednesday if my Mardi Gras hangover doesn't get in the way.