Twenty to thirty thousand emails, shirtless photos, illicit sex (“under” a desk, no less): are we sure the Petraeus scandal isn’t actually a viral marketing campaign for the next season of Gossip Girl? If you haven’t been paying attention to the still-developing drama (we’re expecting a secret pregnancy to break this afternoon, followed by a covered-up drug overdose), today is probably a good time to start: catch up with our handy explainer.
The Cast of Characters
David Petraeus: the beloved “military intellectual” who resigned as director of the CIA last Friday, citing “extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair.” Increasingly looking like the sanest person in this tangled web, which isn’t saying much. Married with children.
Paula Broadwell: Army Reserve officer, military commentator, and co-author of the Petraeus biography All In (there are no more title-related jokes left to be made at this point, sorry) and Petraeus’s Confirmed Secret Girlfriend #1. Exposed her affair with Petraeus by employing the same cyberstalking tactics (and the same level of tact and expertise) used by bratty 8th graders. Married with children.
Jill Kelley: close Petraeus family friend and volunteer military social liaison, which is apparently a more boring term for “socialite”; according to the Tampa Bay Times, Jill Kelley has “established a name for herself as an extravagant hostess with a military guest list” and the Kelley mansion is “the place to be seen for coalition officers.” She’s also Petraeus’s Maybe Secret and/or Wannabe Girlfriend #2. Well, according to multiple sources, the two were totally just friends, but that’s not what Broadwell thought: she started sending Kelley aggressive emails from an anonymous account (way more on her emails later), which eventually led to the FBI probe. Married with children.
General John Allen: Succeeded Petraeus as the top US commander in Afghanistan, but that’s not the only thing the two men have in common: both are four-star generals and apparently extremely careless with their email correspondence! The FBI uncovered somewhere between 20,000 and 30,000 documents, most of them e-mails (maybe some of them were Gchats?), of “potentially inappropriate” communication between Allen and Kelley. Allen “disputes that he has engaged in any wrongdoing,” and some other officials say the only thing he did wrong was call Kelley “sweetheart,” because he is from Virginia. Mmmk. Married with children.
Anonymous Shirtless FBI Agent: The wildcard! If you’re still following, you’ll recall that Kelley contacted a FBI agent in Tampa after receiving threatening emails from an anonymous source, who we now know to be Broadwell. The FBI agent was Kelley’s friend, and a very special friend, at that: he had apparently sent shirtless photographs to Kelley, but “long before” this investigation. According to the Wall Street Journal, supervisors told Anonymous Shirtless FBI Agent that “he was to have nothing to do with the case,” even though he never actually had a formal role in the investigation. To make matters weirder (It’s possible! Keep reading!), he thought the case was getting covered up to protect Obama and spilled everything to Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, thus speeding up the scandal’s exposure. Maybe he really wants everyone to see his pecs?
What the Fuck Happened
Petraeus was sleeping (and frenetically emailing) with Broadwell until last June, which is also when Broadwell emailed Kelley to tell her to stay away from Petraeus, after which Kelley told her FBI friend, prompting an official investigation, which found that the emails were from Broadwell, and that Broadwell and Pretraeus were having an affair, and ALSO that Kelley and Allen were emailing up a storm…the FBI friend was worried that the investigation would go too slowly so alerted Congress, which pissed off Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta and a bunch of other politicians who thought the FBI mishandled the case and also made everything much more quickly; Petraeus resigned last Friday. Phew!
How Petraeus and Broadwell Went About Their Adulterous Business
According to CBS, the duo “composed draft emails which they both could read on a shared private email account,” which is apparently “a cyber trick known to teenagers and terrorists in an effort to hide their communications.” I CAN’T BELIEVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. Also, I thought teenagers left inappropriate comments for each other on Instagram when they didn’t want anyone to know what they were up to? (Feel free to take that tip, FBI, if you’re not too busy sending shirtless pics.)
Matters of National Security
Did Broadwell ever obtain classified information from Petraeus that could’ve compromised national security? That’s unclear as of now. Her home in Charlotte, North Carolina, was searched last night by FBI officers who took away two computers and 10 boxes; according to the WSJ, they found copies of classified documents, but Petraeus and Broadwell both denied that he had given her the documents, and FBI officials believe them. Hmm.