A Guide To Boob Jobs That Don't Involve Actual Boob Jobs

Want bigger breasts but aren’t willing to have silicone bags jammed into your chest? Try these non-surgical treatments, and maybe someday your breasts will be in an ad above the words, “Results not typical.” Here’s how to chase those dreams.

A new treatment called TLC Breast Enhancements “stimulates the natural growth process experienced throughout puberty and pregnancy” with laser treatments that encourage estrogen production.

You’ll need two treatments per month for three months, totaling $2,266, to see a difference… if the lasers actually do anything. Plastic surgeon Rajiv Grover tells The Daily Mail, “This technology can improve skin texture and tone in the face, but there are no long-term studies confirming its role in lifting or increasing breast size by any significant amount.”

Hypnotist David Knight claims women can increase their breast size by two cup sizes in 12 weeks if they listen to his hypnosis CDs while they sleep. According to the “mind persuader”‘s website, it’s scientifically proven to work:

The British Academy of Hypnosis has recently studied The possibility of hypnosis on natural breast enlargements and found startling results with the majority of women receiving remarkable results!

These startlingly remarkable results can be yours for only $60! (Plus shipping and handling.) Unless of course, this is all an elaborate ruse from the man billed as the “international comedy hypnotist.”

When the Smart Memory Bra was introduced last year, it was widely reported that the heat-sensitive foam would push up the breasts when your body temperature increases from arousal. For some reason the product website no longer advertises this feature, perhaps because these results are only possible with the use of Photoshop.

Rodial’s Boob Job promises to “increase cup size by 8.4%” if you apply the cream to your bosom twice a day for 56 days “as close to mealtimes as possible.” According to the website:

As the fat cells move around the body after eating, boob job “blocks” the fat into the area where the product has been applied, so the bust and décolleté areas.

Tip: If you can’t afford to spend $189 a bottle, try eating nothing but fast food for 56 days. As the fat cells move around the body after eating, some will settle in your breasts! (As well as your ass.)

Another option: Giant suction cups. The “Brava System,” which costs about $900 — $1100, increases breast tissue with a vacuum device. Well, according to the site,

The initial increase that you will see is made up of mostly swelling with a very small amount of lasting tissue growth. However, as you continue to use The BRAVA System, real tissue growth will slowly being to take place and by the end of treatment, there is a greater proportion of true tissue growth to swelling.

Soon you’ll be hearing your man coo, “Hey baby, looks like that nasty swelling has finally subsided.”

The site also encourages women, “to read Ms. Carolyne Weaver’s personal experience with the BRAVA System in the March cover story in ELLE Magazine.” In case you can’t read the incredibly tiny print at the end of the article, that’s the March 2002 issue of Elle. Still, the article is worth reading, since it reveals that the device is “not meant for women with a family history of breast cancer” and “Brava users who don’t wear the device for ten hours a day for at least ten consecutive weeks will not experience any permanent increase in size.”

While wearing plastic underwear for two-and-a-half months sounds pretty uncomfortable, after trying the device Weaver concludes, “to my mind, it’s all worth it,” because at a party, “A man actually apologizes for staring down my shirt instead of looking me in the eye when we speak.” You can’t argue with those results!

To be sure, all of these options are fairly absurd, but only one combines pain, costliness, and a total lack of scientific evidence, making it the hands-down stupidest way to increase your bust size: “Breast-slapping.”

In 2003, The Independent reported that the Thai government was endorsing a breast-enhancing method developed by beautician Khemmikka Na Songkhla in an effort to discourage women from getting breast implants. The article explains:

When Ms Khemmikka was an adolescent, her granny mocked her for wasting time rubbing her nipples with a miracle cream in hopes of sprouting big breasts. She said she should rub the old-fashioned way, until it hurt. By repeatedly pushing any flab from her sides and midriff towards her chest, and afterwards dousing Ms Khemmikka’s breasts with ice water, her granny boosted her breast size by 4in (10cm) and her confidence soared.

This woman’s breasts grew when she was a teenager? Unheard of!

But of course, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is; You’ll have to pay Khemmikka $354 for the privilege of having her violently knead your breasts, one patient claimed the massage gave her breast cancer, and Khemmikka makes the curious demand that her patients eat more if they want to increase their cup size.

Better yet, take a tip from Judy Blume: Chanting, “I must, I must, I must increase my bust” doesn’t cause severe breast pain, and is probably equally effective.

Boob Job Lite: A New Laser Therapy Promises A Bigger Bust Without Surgery – But Is It Too Good To Be True? [Daily Mail]
Natural Breast Enlargement With Hypnosis [ToSleep.co.uk]
Smart Memory Bra By Lisca [Smart Memory Bra]
Rodial Boob Job [Rodial.co.uk]
About Brava [MyBrava.com]
Thailand Sponsors Slapping To Enhance Breast Size [The Independent]

Earlier: Must Increase Your Bust? Try Hypnosis
For When You Can’t Be Too Unsubtle
I Must I Must Enhance My My Bust