A Drink For All Seasons: Holiday Cocktails We'd Like To See

Today I got a press release for a “0 calorie 0 sugar natural flavored water beverage that goes perfect with your favorite cocktail.” Even more dubious were the drink suggestions, all pegged to the theme of Mother’s Day.

I’m not eager to serve my mom a “Slimming Sally” next month — especially since the “natural water beverage” involved is called HINT, as in “HINT, Mom, you could stand to lose some weight.” But what’s surprising is that Mother’s Day is far from the first holiday to get the theme-drink treatment — a few weeks ago, I got a press release suggesting I tell you about Easter cocktails. I found it a little odd that both these wholesome holidays are now opportunities for high-concept boozing, but I’ve decided to embrace the trend. Below, a few ideas:

The 1040

In the spirit of Tax Day, combine two parts PBR with one part tears. Garnish with a receipt. This cocktail can also be called The Grad School.

The Washington

Great for Presidents Day or Washington’s Birthday (wait, are they the same now?). Mix equal parts apple juice and Sam Adams (brewer and patriot!), add some whiskey to help get you through that harsh Valley Forge winter, and then stir in some maraschino cherries. With this truth serum, you cannot tell a lie.

The Tea Party

Heat up a bunch of vodka in a teapot, and drink it until you can no longer spell, or until you need health care, whichever comes second. This is a great drink for Election Day, Flag Day, or any day you’re feeling especially angry about illegal immigrants.

The Winter Solstice

In honor of the shortest day of the year, combine vodka and Nyquil and sleep right through it.

The Compost Heap

This Earth Day, just mix up all the booze you have in your fridge, add some eggshells and worms, and drink up! It’s like playing Kings, but you can be self-righteous about it.

The Columbus

Wait until you’re really sick, then sneeze in someone else’s drink. Once they’re too ill to protest, break in and take possession of their apartment. Claim you discovered it. Repeat as desired.

Of course, any of these can be enjoyed out of season, or combined for extra fun. Happy Friday!