A Definitive Guide to Gay Weddings as Told by the Media

Did you know people who aren’t straight can get married now? Well they can! Only in certain states, but in other states they can have very similar ceremonies that you can call a wedding. What’s hard is that if you’re gay, you don’t know how to have a wedding. They are totally different than straight weddings, for which there is a large amount of literature available to tell you exactly how to not fuck up your wedding. Gay weddings don’t have any of that, so please PAY ATTENTION to the following (except that this is an opportunity to MAKE YOUR OWN RULES so actually throw the rulebook just straight out the window) wisdom, which has been gleaned from the deluge of gay wedding how-to coverage.

BEFORE

Who proposes?

Two dudes/two women: two proposals! Or just one, if one of you is lazy.

What do you say?

Because you might not be able to get married married, you can say something like “B Mine?”

What about engagement rings?

Should they be uglier or less ugly than regular ones? Who should buy them? It’s simple: Just “purchase a ring that [your partner] might like.”

Do I need to ask the family for permission first?

If you feel like it, or you can just give them a “head’s up,” incoming!

Should our parents be on the invite?

They want their moment in the sun, so make sure they get it.

Should my angry relative who hates this “new love” people in America are participating in be invited?

No. Yes.

Should we invite ex-flames?

How slutty is Donna really? Asking for a friend.

What about Bachelor/Bachelorette parties?

Do it together! But then it probably won’t be as fun i.e. less debauchery/fewer strippers.

Should we change our names?

It can be expensive and/or difficult FYI.

So this is our second wedding because the Supreme Court got involved and said our first one didn’t count. Should we register for gifts again?

“…don’t hold back. Throw yourselves the wedding that you want, ice sculpture, registry and all.”

Do we need a pre-nup?

Yes, don’t be stupid.

Which person’s parents are stuck with the bill?

What is this, 1929? Hopefully each of them will throw you a nice, not awkward-at-all party. Unless one set is very rich.

DURING

Who is in the wedding party?

Donna is back from France right?

Can we incorporate religion into our ceremony?

If He hasn’t totally renounced you, sure.

Should we get dressed together?

Yes. No.

Who walks down the aisle last?

#powerstruggle. Whoever will throw a fit more about it.

What do I do about the person officiating? Should they look “legit” even if they are not?

If you would like them to look Catholic even though Catholicism hates you, go right ahead.

How should “we” be announced? “You may kiss the ???”

“You are now recognized as married” doesn’t sound formal or boring at all.

AFTER

What should people call us?

“Partner.” Or just ask.

How many people should get time on the mic?

Hold an American Idol-style competition at the rehearsal dinner to see who is the funniest.

Who sits where?

Put people wherever you want them to? This is starting to get a little nitpicky.

Bouquet throwing?

Whoever does it should just make sure they have good aim so that Donna gets hit in the face for not calling me after the last wedding we went to, that’s all I’m saying.

An abridged list of consulted sources:

The New Etiquette of Same-Sex Weddings [NYMag]

A Gay Wedding Etiquette Guide [Gawker]

Weddings: Navigating same-sex marriage etiquette [CBS News]

Gay Wedding Etiquette: 10 Tips for a Grand Gay Wedding [Examiner]

Same-Sex Marriage Proposals: Who Does What? And How? [Glamour]

Changing Society Through the Etiquette of Same-Sex Weddings [NYT]

Changing Your Name After Marriage When You’re Gay [NYT]

Same-Sex Couples Celebrate Bachelor Parties, Showers In New York City [CBS Local]