Last night, I was eagerly waiting for Drake’s album (Scorpion) to drop so that I could confirm whether Drake (my slippery Scorpio kin) was indeed the father of a long-rumored son. He did confirm that, very early on, and also reclaimed his simpering, singing, benevolent lothario persona, retiring the animus he’d adopted as Meek Mill’s tormenter and Pusha T’s antagonizer. On Scorpion, Drake is no longer a menace, not really; he is again docile Drake, a pop culture figure.

My stance on his music has always been one of ambivalent amusement: simply put, I am here for the memes and tweets—the mode in which he exists—but I didn’t have cable as a child so the nostalgic appeal of Degrassi is lost on me. Still, I cherish the cultural artifacts drummed up by the Drake Industrial Complex, wherein Drake does a thing, the internet and culture writers respond (especially women writers, who have, to my mind, maintained a more lucid understanding of The Boy than he has of himself) and the meme factory goes into overdrive. The album was fine (I have yelled “KE KE DO YA LOVE ME,” unprovoked, at least eight times today). But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here for the mess.

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At midnight sharp, with Drake’s tepid, un-sexed falsetto droning in the background, hopped up on Red Bull and nosiness, I commenced two hours of what was the most intense (and honestly impressive) social media stalking of my life. I present to you the full Sophie Brussaux Dossier.

She has connections to both Kanye’s GOOD Music and Drake’s OVO

In 2013, Sophie posted photos of herself on the set of the “I Wanna Thank You” video, featuring Busta Rhymes, Q-Tip, Kanye and Lil Wayne. Kanye and Wayne are patriarchs of the previously feuding GOOD Music and Cash Money. Sophie, as someone with connections to both factions, is possibly the only person capable of calling a truce between Drake and Pusha T. Look for her first appearance about 55 seconds in.

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She had a friendship with Drake’s former favorite stripper, Maliah

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A careful scrub of her twitter account reveals that Sophie maintained what seems to be a pretty good friendship with Maliah Michelle, who was previously one of Drake’s favorite exotic dancers. He famously retired a jersey bearing Maliah’s name last year. The two apparently vacationed and worked out together. Peep the Scorpio shade as well as Sophie and Maliah apparently bonding over scamming men.

She gave birth on October 11

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Sophie instagrammed a photo of her toned tummy on November 8, 2017. The caption reads: “Unfiltered unretouched pic 28 days after giving birth to my 8 lbs-15 oz baby boy Adonis.” Drake also confirmed Adonis’s birthday on the song “March 14.” Stating “October baby for irony sake, of course/ I got this 11 tatted for somebody, now it’s yours.” Eight pounds is also a huge fucking baby.

She is a 28-year-old Leo

She posted her birthday as August 1, 1989. Knowing this, it is much clearer why she and Drake did not sustain a relationship; this is such an astrologically incompatible pairing! She also tweeted a happy birthday to Maliah, who was apparently born December 14, making her a Sagittarius—a sign with which she is much more compatible with Drake. If he hadn’t been a dick and retired her jersey, insinuating that she was “aging out” of stripping, they probably could have had something.

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She has a Kardashian Konnection

Photo: Smooth Girl Magazine

Sophie was previously a cover model for Smooth Girl. She shared a cover with none other than Blac Chyna, the mother of Rob Kardashian’s baby girl, Dream. I respect and fear J Prince, so I have nothing too slick to say, but I do wonder where he was when Drake was casually dropping the names of his exes, demanding that Sophie get an abortion, and threatening physical harm to Jhoni Blaze. Respectfully.

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Like the rest of us, she enjoys a good Drake Meme

She also tweeted about wanting to meet him, and obviously did, highlighting her powers of manifestation.

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She’s at least a little bit racist

It isn’t very surprising that a woman who spends a considerable amount of time around black male rappers believes she should be able to say “nigga.” But it is delightful following Pusha T’s release of Drake’s blackface photos and the subsequent probe of his... interesting racial identity and politics. This was the point where I tweeted at Pusha T because I honestly felt like he’d find the information useful. He has yet to get back to me.

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Unconfirmed but kind of confirmed

The rising prominence of the Drake paternity rumor has highlighted, to me, the chasm between black and white media. Black news outlets and blogs/bloggers (The Shade Room, The Read) have been reporting on Drake’s impending, and then clandestine, fatherhood. It was not news for a lot of us. Also the image of Pusha T with his baby braids wrapped in a scarf and trawling Lipstick Alley is one which makes me giddy. For posterity, here are other Drake rumors which have floated around for years/months, which we might as well entertain here. Remember, this is allegedly. All this shit is alleged!

Rumor 1: “Drake does not wear condoms.” This rumor floated around for years, but Catya from the Bad Girls Club seemed to confirm it in a 2011 interview with Hot 97:

Hot 107: How long did it take you to go from condom to no condom?

Cat: That’s assuming there was ever one involved.

In 2014, Jhoni Blaze, a rapper and cast member of Love and Hip Hop, told Baller Alert that the rapper “...wanted to feel all of me. He ate me out. He kissed me. He’s a loving sexual person.”

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Jhoni also claimed that Aubrey threatened her once she went public. Believe it or not, this is an exercise in believing women, and how far hip-hop has to go before its own #MeToo reckoning. Imagine a world where Drake is shamed for threatening a woman with physical harm because she talks about him in the press (despite the fact that he has ALWAYS mentioned the names of his paramours and exes in songs)—and not shamed for simply having a child with a sex worker. Drake revealed on Scorpion that he only met Sophie twice, so it feels safe to assume that there was no prophylactic. Maybe he’s on PrEP?

Rumor 2: Drake has bad character. Please see the above; also his entire discography; and Sophie’s text exchange, leaked to TMZ.

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Jasmine Sanders is a writer from the South Side of Chicago.