It’s Godzilla time! The greatest movie franchise in human existence, and our peak artistic achievement as a species, has birthed another glorious cinematic romp into theaters and living rooms everywhere: Godzilla vs. Kong. It’s a movie about... radiation... and lizards... and hollow earth conspiracy theories... and kaiju sexual tension... and fluoride!
I have so many questions.
Blessedly, I watched Godzilla vs. Kong on its premiere day, in the comfort of my own living room, which is how all big monster movie premiers should happen, so everyone can comfortably do drugs and wear pajamas in peace. In its all-too-brief run, I screamed, I laughed, and I cried. Somehow, it manages to be the only good thing to happen during the coronavirus pandemic, which alone speaks to just how starved I am for a genuinely good time.
So what is it even about? Well, if I was to give the briefest of summaries: Kong is lonely because the scientist people have him locked up, and also because he’s horny, and really wants to jump down to the center of the earth and just vibe in its hollow core. Then there’s Godzilla, who just yeeted King Ghidorah in the last movie, and is feeling anxious because the diabolical humans are up to no good again, and he’s like... fuck, I just want to chill in my underwater cave and eat whales and not fight thermo-nuclear threats to all of galactic existence as we know it. But he also has a longtime beef with King Kong, because they used to be lovers or something, and when Kong finally leaves the mysterious Skull Island to search for his ancestral home, Godzilla is like, ok, shit, here I go again, I’m about to do it to ‘em.
Cue lots of Kaiju nonsense and Millie Bobby Brown.
After sitting with the film for the weekend, I have exactly 69 questions about its many plot twists, scientific anomalies, and horny subtextual interactions. I’ve also collated data and unanswered mysteries from other Jezebel staffers, in what I believe will be an unending search for the truths of this genuinely one-of-a-kind film.
Let’s get into it!
1. How old is Godzilla?
2. How old is King Kong?
3. Ok, so King Kong befriended this little girl, but does Godzilla know that Millie Bobby Brown helped him explode King Ghidorah back into space dust in the last movie? She acts like they text or something.
4. Where are Millie Bobby Brown’s parents? Ok, that’s not fair. Her mom is a dead ec0-terrorist, but her dad just casually lets his daughter ride the alien space train to Hong Kong with the internationally wanted criminal and her friend from 4th period algebra?
5. Does King Kong have sex, with anyone or with himself?
6. Can Godzilla procreate or does Godzilla lay eggs?
7. After all the Kaijus were killed and the earth destroyed in the battle against King Ghidorah in Godzilla: King of Monsters, did people just like, go back to their day jobs?
8. Who gave this King Kong scientist lady permission to abduct the poor Iwi girl after her parents were murdered by a Skull Crawler attack on Skull Island?
9. How long did it take them to build the Kong Containment Facility?
10. Why does MONARCH or the robotics company not tell anyone they have underground MAG-LEV trains and anti-gravity generators?
11. Why are the ships that Godzilla tries to wreck so strong?
12. Why didn’t they let King Kong surf just to relax a little?
13. How many people died when Godzilla yeeted the boats?
14. How much money do you make being a Kaiju boat transporter?
15. What does King Kong eat?
16. Does Godzilla eat?
18. Why is there a black hole in the center of the planet?
19. Is the hollow earth like those space stations in an Alastair Reynolds book where it’s just a giant ring powered by gravity machines that let you walk on the ceiling?
20. Why is there a gravity inversion?
21. Why do humans almost get killed on the journey through the wormhole but King Kong is fine jumping through it totally naked?
22. When did they invent anti-gravity space ships?
23. How old is the hollow earth?
24. What are the monsters that ate the anti-gravity ship called?
25. How did Skull Island rise up out of the hollow earth intact?
26. How big is the hollow earth?
27. Was the melted King Kong Sr. in the hollow earth volcano killed by Godzilla Sr. and that’s why they hate each other?
28. Did the ancient monkey civilization have written language?
29. How big was the ancient monkey civilization if it built what are now ruins as tall as the Empire State Building, with intricate statuary and stone carving?
30. Are the anti-gravity ships powered by the glowing purple anti-gravity rocks in hollow earth?
31. What are the glowing purple anti-gravity rocks?
32. Who was the last gorilla to sit in King Kong’s throne?
33. Were King Kong’s parents the king and queen?
34. How did King Kong’s parents die?
35. Who made King Kong’s radioactive Godzilla killing axe?
36. So is Godzilla like a species or is Godzilla the only Godzilla?
37. Where is Gigan?
38. Do Rodan and Anguirus also live in the hollow earth?
40. Where is Mothra’s egg?
41. Did Godzilla have enough time to mourn his girlfriend since the last movie when King Ghidorah fried her to a nuclear crisp?
42. Is Godzilla lonely?
43. OK, so what I don’t understand, is do the glowy purple anti-gravity rocks also act as thermonuclear batteries and that’s how the Kongs survived the ancient Godzilla wars?
44. Can Godzilla still use the special Mothra laser she gave him in the last movie when she died?
45. What happened to the ORCA technology that could control Kaijus?
46. Ok, so this robotics company supposedly “hard-wired” King Ghidorah’s DNA in his left-over skull fossil to control Mecha-Godzilla, but what does that even mean?
47. Is King Ghidorah like a space ghost and that’s how his spirit re-possessed Mecha-Godzilla?
48. Do all the kaijus communicate telepathically or just King Ghidorah?
49. If this robotics company was so important, and rich enough to build Mecha-Godzilla, where was it in Godzilla: King of Monsters?
50. Why did King Ghidorah hate Godzilla so bad that he came back from the dead to try and kill him again?
51. When Godzilla drills a hole through the center of the earth with his laser beam, is there just like... a hole to the center of the earth in Hong Kong now?
52. Why do they have to go through a wormhole to get to the center of the earth but Godzilla can just yell down a hole like “Hey! What’s up!” and have King Kong hear him?
53. Why didn’t the wormhole do anything weird to Godzilla’s laser?
54. Did that lady really not think King Kong was gonna kill her after she shot him in the dick with her anti-gravity space ship?
55. So did the rest of the humans take an anti-gravity ship out of the hollow earth or did King Kong carry them out?
56. Why don’t King Kong and Godzilla just get a therapist instead of killing millions of innocent civilians?
57. Where did King Kong learn to wield a sword?
58. How does King Kong’s axe survive all the laser beam attacks?
59. How was that teensy little needle on top of the skyscraper strong enough to hold up King Kong when he was swinging his axe around?
60. How many people died during this fight?
61. Does the ambient radiation from Godzilla’s lasers permanently destroy the soil and surrounding environment?
62. Are they going to cover up the hole in the center of Hong Kong?
63. The lady never brought back one of the stones from the hollow earth, so how does Mecha-Godzilla get all of his power?
64. How much did Mecha-Godzilla cost, in like, a metric of “number of times world hunger and poverty could be solved.”
65. How did the coach from Friday Night Lights get to Hong Kong so fast?
66. Is cleaning up after Kaiju disasters a well-paying job?
67. Why didn’t Godzilla kill King Kong?
68. Is the Godzilla screaming like an actual language?
69. Is the next movie going to be all the monsters crawling out of the hole in Hong Kong?