New Website Says It'll Help You Figure Out What His Text Means (Good Luck With That!)

Asking friends to help you decipher the meaning behind an esoteric text from someone you’re trying to sleep with is one of life’s cliche yet undeniably satisfying pleasures, partially because — and I don’t think I feel this way just because I was an English major with an unhealthy OED obsession — the best part of close-reading a text is assigning it whatever meaning you want it to have. (“Hmm, no response for seven hours? He probably just doesn’t want to get hurt!”) It’s denial, sure, but it’s usually fun denial, since people in real, serious relationships usually don’t (or shouldn’t, at least) need others to help them understand what the other is trying to say.

So I’m not sure what kind of people would want to use HeTexted, a sort of Hot-Or-Not for smartphones— women submit their texts and you can vote whether the dude object (dobject?) of their affection is into them, not into them, or if the “verdict is still out.”

Some of them stumped me; I need more information! Like the ol’ “Kinda crazy with work but will let you know” or “Sorry fell asleep last night… Can’t believe you were outside and I didn’t hear you. Come over tonight?” Is that a lie? Or are you just dating a narcoleptic?

But some of these posters need to get a grip. If he said “Had a great time” then he probably HAD A GREAT TIME. And if he said “Is this a car? [with photo of car]” … wait, how does he know what a car looks like?

Text analysis is all about nuance, and there is no nuance here, so what’s the point? If you’re resorting to posting on HeTexted, it’s probably a sign that it’s not going to work out. Or that you should just ask him what’s up. (Alternative: email me screencaps of your confusing texts and I will totally analyze them for you. In full sentences. I’m serious!)

[HeTexted]