According to The Daily Beast, Mitt 'Mittsdemeanor' Romney, Esquire, former Governor of Massachusetts and since perpetual Presidential also-ran, is announcing today that he's running for President in 2016. I guess when you're a millionaire with a car elevator, you can treat running for President the way urban 27-year-olds treat Tough Mudders. It's an expensive hobby, sure, and you're almost certainly not going to win, but ultimately, it's about the experience, you know?
The Daily Beast had the eXcLuSiVe story a whopping 90 minutes before an 11 am press conference announcing what everybody suspected would be a Presidential run, and it's basically this: Mitt's back, and he's different this time. I don't know what the rest of the piece says; I became distracted by the half eaten bowl of instant oatmeal immediately to my right. What even are oats? How much sugar is in this? Would I be better off eating a banana every morning? I used to have a coworker, back when I was miserable at Merrill Lynch, who says he ate so many bananas that the Navy had to put him in quarantine because he was radioactive. How full of shit was he?
[Update: Boy, oh boy did The Daily Beast ever shit the bed on this. The New York Times and other publications have now confirmed that the 11 am call is Mitt Romney announcing that he is not running for President. At any rate, consider the remainder of this post a joyful release from boring bondage. Bless you, Mittens!]
Therein lies the layperson's problem with a theoretical Romney candidacy: America has already made (and heard) just about all of the dog-fear-shitting-on-a-car-roof jokes it can take. Romney has been thoroughly excoriated, flayed, skewered, and lampooned. What's left? Just a photogenic dad jeans-wearing Mormon guy with a square head who looks like he knows how to waltz. Just the horror of realizing that the music that had been playing in the background of your solitary confinement in an empty room has ended, and you're left only with the roar of silence, with crazymaking blandness with its sleeves rolled up, trying its hardest to pretend to be interesting. Mitt Romney is boring as f u u u u u u ck.
Over the course of about five minutes, the Jezebel staff was able to come up with the following list of 50 things more interesting than Mitt Romney running for President again.
- Red dryer lint
- Poop (large)
- Big Sean at his worst
- Scented candles
- MTA poetry
- Ariana Grande's hopes and dreams
- Post offices
- Dakota Johnson
- Tax documents
- Cleaning out the kitchen drain catcher
- The Eagles
- Listening to somebody talk seriously about polyamory
- The Facebook "other" folder
- Very long descriptions of movies
- Standing in line
- The Golf Channel
- Gawker Media weekly all-hands standup meetings
- Sienna Miller
- Pre-algebra class
- New Yorkers talking about real estate
- Cat assholes
- Leaving your Christmas tree up until Easter
- Downton Abbey outtakes
- Jonathan Chait
- The Gap
- Iggy Azalea's media analysis
- Grocery store sugar cookies
- My bowl of fucking instant oatmeal
- Broken vending machines
- Your roommate, who is making a salad right now and bragging about it
- The pre-party portion of a bar mitzvah
- Filling out forms at a doctor's office
- Generic tea
- Carson Daly
- Thirsty Dove "empowerment" ads
- Getting rejected from DeVry University
- A kitchen drawer full of pens
- Thinkpieces on the demise of The New Republic
- The band Train
- Sexy wench Halloween costumes
- Jeb Bush
- Tory Burch Fitbit
- Waterproof disposable cameras
- The dead-behind-the-eyes expression Paris Hilton wore in her sex tape
- Nursing home fish tanks
- Boneless skinless chicken breasts
- Mitt Romney not running for President.
Fuck. Unless Bachmann gets her shit together and really throws her crazy into this race, we're all gonna die before next November 8th.
Image via Getty.