5 Non-Award Related Predictions For Tonight's Academy Awards

The rest of the world is currently busy predicting tonight’s big winners, but we all know it’s not the statues that we’ll be excitedly gossiping about tomorrow. It’s time to make the predictions that really matter:

My favorite part of any awards show is the super-predictable nature of it all. Someone will embarrass themselves! Someone will wear a hideous dress. Someone will get caught making a dumb face in the audience! And someone will snub Ryan Seacrest! But who? There aren’t any Vegas odds on such things (are there?) but this year, we have several contenders in several highly important categories:

The Brangelaniston Edit: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston are all reportedly skipping the ceremony this year, due to career and general loneliness concerns, which is bad news for the editors of the show, who love to get those awkward camera shots of Aniston’s face whenever Jolie or Pitt appear on stage. Yet even with the absence of Jolie, Pitt, and Aniston, it’s a pretty safe bet that the Brangelaniston edit shall live on, in the form of a “Battle of the Exes” edit between Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron. Other possible contenders: Reese Witherspoon/Jake Gyllenhaal, Reese Witherspoon/Abbie Cornish/Ryan Phillippe, Shots of Kim Basinger glaring at host Alec Baldwin via satellite.

The Worst Dressed Recognition Gasp: Looking at this picture, it appears Jessica Biel’s ensemble from last year’s Oscars photographed better than it filmed, as I distinctly remember Biel’s appearance on the red carpet causing the first outbreaks of “OMG” and “WTF?” on our Oscar live blog. There are plenty of “meh” dresses on the red carpet, but only a select few cause you to sharply inhale with the knowledge that this person is absolutely, 100%, going to be on every worst dressed list in the world the following day. It’s a gasp that is followed by pity, and then disgust, and then a bit more pity, and then eventually you forget about the whole gasping thing because Ryan Gosling shows up in a tux and you forget how to breathe in general. So whose attire will trigger the first worst dressed recognition gasp this year? It’s hard to say, as Biel would not have been an odds-on choice in the past, so you really never know who is going to fug it up rather hardcore on the red carpet. Possible Contenders: Blake Lively, Sandra Bullock, Anyone from the cast of Twilight.

The Couple That Makes It Official: Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt famously outed themselves as a couple at the 1999 Emmy Awards, and just last year Aniston arrived to the Oscars with date John Mayer, providing the public with a very official and glamorous view of the pair. This year’s “maybe possibly official” couple appears to be Charlize Theron and The Hurt Locker’s Jeremy Renner, who are reportedly considering attending the Vanity Fair Oscar after-party together. Other Possible Contenders: I’m not sure, actually! What do you think?

Unintentionally Hilarious Accessory: Last year, Philip Seymour Hoffman arrived at the ceremony wearing a hat, which he later explained was due to his hair being a bit of a mess thanks to a part he was playing. And thank goodness for that, really, as spotting Hoffman looking like a bored burglar whenever the camera panned his way was really one of the few moments I remember from last year’s show, mostly because it was so ridiculous and weird. Possible Contenders: A brave young actress attempts to wear a high fashion hat but doesn’t quite pull it off, James Cameron gets extensions in order to tie his hair into one of those living Na’vi braid things, Nicole Kidman attempts to bring a facial expression.

The Upset: Ok. I guess this kind of counts as an award-related prediction, but still: going into last year’s ceremony, it looked as though Mickey Rourke was a sure bet for Best Actor…until Sean Penn’s name was called. This year’s Best Actress category is already a bit up in the air, and the Avatar/Hurt Locker battle is extremely tight, so I’m going to call an upset in one of the Supporting categories, where Mo’Nique and Christoph Waltz have essentially a 100% chance of winning, if only because I think it would be the only chance of a true shocker, though it would be equally shocking to see Jeff Bridges lose the Best Actor trophy. Other Possible Contenders: Gabby Sidibe defeating both Meryl Streep and Sandra Bullock for the Best Actress award. Can you imagine how awesome her speech would be?

Do you have any more predictions to make? Memorial snubs? Best dresses? Best/Worst speeches? Most awkward moments? Feel free to make all the predictions you wish in the comments.