5 Men Who Are Absolutely Not Worth Fighting Over

Today, performing arts magazine Encore brings us “The Bella Swan Syndrome,” in which the object of love-triangle affection simply…doesn’t seem worth the effort. We kinda see their point. But this is one syndrome that goes both ways:

While we can’t help but agree that Bella Swan inspires a rather mysterious level of adulation from ridiculously handsome men (yeah, yeah, cue the “I don’t see what the fuss is about” chorus) and that just saying a lot that Carrie Bradshaw “isn’t like other women” doesn’t make it so, this is by no means a phenomenon restricted to female characters. Indeed, I’d argue that the male counterpoint is an even sorrier specimen. Because for every Keith Nelson, there are a lot of duds out there. And to demonstrate this type’s utter sadsackery, he shall be known, henceforth, as “The Ross.”

Ross Geller, Friends Ross Geller didn’t just have women fighting over him. He had women fighting over him repeatedly, seemingly in direct proportion to his character’s sniveling whininess. Rachel and Emily. Rachel and Chloe. Rachel and Julie. Single-handedly contributed to the widespread misapprehension that if one is ineffectual, hot women will fight over one.
Michael O’Neal, My Best Friend’s Wedding Julia Roberts’ Julianne is a gorgeous, successful restaurant critic. Cameron Diaz’s Kim is a gorgeous, talented architecture student. Both are obsessed with a man with all the charm and charisma of a piece of soap stuck bottom of the bath, to the point that they’ll lie, cheat and scheme and give up their careers (respectively) for the privilege of being his wife. (Dermot Mulroney deserves special mention for also being the subject of inexplicable triangular obsession in Samantha.) Now, if Rupert Everett had been the bone of contention…

Anyone on Grey’s Anatomy Meredith and Addison fight over Derek. Derek and Finn fight over Meredith. Izzie and Callie fight over George. Alex and Denny fight over Izzie. In no case does it seem worth the considerable effort involved.

Dylan McKay,90210 Sure, he’s tortured, and he had a whole 90’s James Dean thing going. But did neither Kelly nor Brenda notice that he was a)weirdly old and b) just looking for the family he never had? And why do he and Nellie McKay pronounce their names differently?

Archie Andrews, Archie Sure, he’s reasonably cute, and “Sugar, Sugar” is a catchy tune. But Betty and Veronica are the two most bodacious babes in Riverdale, wasting their energy on a rivalry that’s long since ceased to be about the mediocrity ostensibly at its center.