We recently took a break from our regularly scheduled mockery to focus our taunting on Cosmopolitan magazine and some of the less...astute sex advice they've offered us over the years. It was a romp. We painted our breasts; we sexted; and we even slapped a couple dicks — and not too gently!
While Cosmo comes at sex with the chirpy enthusiasm of Elle Woods and the DIY tenacity of Martha Stewart, its peers on the men's side are a little harder to pin down. There's Maxim, whispering tales of "busty blondes" from the corner of the school dance, boner-in-sweatpants, drinking whiskey from a Coke bottle. And then there's Men's Health, aggressively sharing his recipe for blueberry protein shakes in the elevator, saying things like "glutes" and "sports-utility vehicle."
So here's an anthology of the most misguided advice voiced by these two gentlemen; take it with caution.
1. "Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't."
Why is it important to figure out if this foxy stranger is on the pill? To avoid unwanted pregnancy? Oh no, you're trying to make speculative assumptions about her hormone levels. You know, so you can bone her!
Oh, and pro-tip: if you lose count mid-blink, start throwing carbohydrates and diamonds (you know, lady things) over her shoulder to distract her, then grab her purse and rummage.
2. "Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws."
I get so mad when women's magazines are like "Men never listen." God! Do you know how hard it is to listen when I'm trying to count your blinks, calculate them as a percentage, and then — depending on my diagnosis — make my jaw look wider?
3. "Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second... [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection."
You can practice this at work with a ruler and stopwatch. Just make sure to close the door.
4. "After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically."
If she's averse to this idea, spit in her sports drink. It's been shown to improve the taste of Gatorade's entire G Series line.
5. "Your post-run sweat has androstadienone... that spikes her arousal when she smells it."
Your sweaty back is like warm baking bread. Laced with androstadienone. Mmm.
6. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."
On the upside, she's proven she's definitely not an evil sex robot.
7. "Her Feet Give Her Away: if she moves her feet away from her body, adopting a more open-legged stance, you're golden. But if she crosses her legs or tucks them under her body, you may as well ask for the check and call it a night before dessert.
Just one question: what if she crosses her legs beneath a slutty red dress? The male of the species is easily angered when simultaneously confused and aroused.
8. "She's Dressed to Impress: can't take your eyes off her nearly-see-through dress? Don't — she's scantily clad for a reason."
This precedes a lengthy summary of a study in Austria that involved taking saliva samples of ladies in nightclubs to determine that the sexier-dressed ones were hornier. The whole thing is creepy and makes me sad for my lady friends. So, I'm going to respond in a way I know will cheer them up.
And now for some culinary tips that are sure to "drive her wild:"
9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."
And according to my research, it tastes crunchy and delicious.
10. "If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate."
I love how casually they drop this in there — as if mutant sperm is a well-documented, albeit slightly irritating phenomenon, instead of the pitch for a new movie from the director of Human Centipede.
11. Eat L-Arginine, which "allows more blood flow to the penis… Here's your excuse to try out that whipped-cream and chocolate-sauce fantasy: the dark stuff also has L-Arginine."
Wait, what? Whipped cream and chocolate sauce? In a sexual context? Brilliant!
12. Cook some asparagus, since "it's packed with zinc, a key mineral needed for maintaining erections."
13. Eat some chocolate - it's caffeinated and so "can jolt the sex drive." Oh, and it's packed with phenylethylamine, which can "activate the brain's pleasure centers."
A meal for kings! If all of these sex-chemical-laden foods somehow fail to whip her into an erotic frenzy, no worries. Just tell her you're auditioning to be on Chopped. Women find ambition very arousing.
14. "The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt — at least for mice."
That's… literally the weirdest opening line I've ever read in my life. But it couldn't have come at a better time, as I was planning on seducing some mice later this afternoon. What? Don't give that look. They have pretty mouths.
15. "The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet - and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a "junk food diet," according to a new study out of MIT."
If the folks at Activia ever wanted to expand, they could consider a new tagline: "Yogurt. It does more than help Jamie Lee Curtis poop."
Also, who thought "Give mice yogurt, then measure their balls" would make a good study? I'm sure it's valid and well thought-out and firmly grounded. Just like I'm sure the first guy ever to drink cow's milk was not even a little weird.
Did your sweaty lips and testosterone-richsalivia not do the trick? Have your yogurty balls failed to bring all the girls to the yard? What else can you do to impress the ladies? Buy them really expensive things. (Or, you could keep trying the sweaty approach and then buy me things. I'd like that.) In either case, here are a bunch of things MHM thinks you should do.
19. Hire a private violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street.
You get bonus points for reeking of desperation!
20."Take a home pregnancy test."
That last one isn't odd at all. Impregnation is really expensive, and it totally fits on a list called "fun things to do with a woman."
Don't think any of these are opulent or sexy enough? Why not literally fuck some jewelry?
21. Take a pearl necklace and "…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation."
Just don't tell Mother. She's still cross about the time she caught you rimming the good china.
On a related note, seventy-three percent of women surveyed would enjoy being lightly spanked with a wad of hundred-dollar bills.
22."Sweeten the deal. Eat a strawberry before making out. The sugar activates the sweetness receptors in your mouth."
Always good to activate the ol' sweetness receptors. Or as American humans say, "taste buds."
23. "Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse."
Here's a second take on that one: don't try facial intercourse.
24. "Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they're in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found." To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes."
Or you could just rub her feet with your hands, you dick. Anyway, in my mind, people who say "trotters" and "johnson" in the same sentence don't get to have mutually orgasmic sex.
25. "Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive."
It also might just freak her the hell out. But the risk is yours to take!
25. "Rope-a-dope: this is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Hit her with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes on her clitoris. Then... Return to slow, easy strokes... Repeat until she's out cold."
I'd just like to point out that in this scenario — where you're Ali — her vagina is George Foreman. I'd avoid that comparison, whether you mean the boxer or the sandwich press.
26. "[H]ave her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter… she'll enjoy the nipple stimulation from rubbing the mattress."
She might also get mattress burn on her face. Or, staring at the headboard through the canopy of her ruffled hair, start to wonder if we're really all just alone in this world… but let's focus on the positive: who even knew that vaginas had barrels?
27. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking."
A unexpected loss for Team Surprise Anal.
28. "Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth."
Do they really think you can read things written in chocolate with your mouth? If they mean "lick and mustache-tickle from boob to belly until you're both spit-covered and sticky" that's fine, but I wish they'd just come out and say it.
29. "Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal."
And her boobs will be minty fresh!
30. "Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."
Yes, because when she does them, it counts as a woman doing the work she's goddamn supposed to be doing.
31. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."
Did you know that ladies love chocolate?
32. "Whoever told you to tweak a girl's nipples is stupid. Don't! No girl has ever been proven to like this."
The editorial team at Cosmo would like to make the following statement: "Nuh-uh."
33. "Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it's for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!"
34. "Girls like explicit texts, too. So next time you're bored waiting in a queue for lunch, text her the rudest, naughtiest thing you can possibly think of and inform her of when exactly you plan to do it."
Don't think too much about this one. Just do it.
It's worth mentioning that there's a whole other vein of sex advice: the kind that's basically porn. Instead of Cosmo, which turns to doctors with Bond-villain names (Dr. Nipples) and women authors whose books sound like drag-queen jokes (Make Him Come Buckets by Phyllis Navidad, Ph.D) — Maxim has real women.
Specifically, Maxim has real women, aged twenty-one and twenty-three, with names like Jamie and Kristy, which of course aren't their real names. (Their real names are Jamie Lynn and Kristy Lynn.) Real women who want to tell you how much they like the sex being described. They really like it. To the point where you're not sure if they're trying to tell you or fuck you. Tiger.
"Sexting school: Bone up, Gents"
What's a better call to arms than "Bone up!" (As in, "Bone up baby, it's my birthday!") So much more colloquial than "Arouse thyself!"
"Last year the term 'sexting' was added to the dictionary, so why not heat up the springtime by introducing it to your smartphone?"
So was "fist bump." Why not give that a try, immediately after a vigorous round of sexting?
35. "Good news: girls are as turned on by taking pictures as you guys are from receiving them. 'I get really aroused when my boyfriend asks me to take a pic of myself while I'm out somewhere unexpected, like out shopping or at a restaurant.'"
"'The first dirty text is always the hardest part.... So make sure to tantalize the power of memory...' says Jane, 26. 'So when my boyfriend and I are texting late at night and he starts recounting dirty memories, I get so aroused! He'll start by telling me how hard he got while undressing me, then get to how hot my wet pussy felt sliding against him.'"
This feature got so graphic so quickly I'm not sure if it's trying to teach me how to sext or actually sext me.
Now, let's learn how to meet girls on Craigslist:
36. "Cruise over to Craigslist's 'Casual Encounters' section and click on 'w4m' (perv-speak for 'women seeking men') to find headlines like 'I need a little slap and tickle.' All you have to do is respond."
I guess it's worth noting that this is bad advice: there are really actually very few women on Craigslist (or anywhere?) who only want to be slapped and tickled. But Maxim backs up their claims by telling you all the sexy things these totally non-fictional girls did with guys they met online.
"...we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blowjob. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a huge fantasy of mine."
"I ended up hooking up with a busty blonde while he enjoyed the show."
"I took him home and told him exactly how I wanted him to do me."
"We had really raunchy sex. He was smacking my ass and calling me a dirty slut. It was so unlike me..."
"It was so unlike me" is Maxim's favorite line. Because you don't want a woman who's honest and open about what kind of sex she likes. You want a woman who gets drunk and then tepidly acts out her "huge fantasies." But only with you, big guy.
Now go take a cold shower. My work here is done. And if all else fails, men, remember this gem from Tierney Lorenz, M.A., a researcher at the sexual psychophysiology laboratory at the University of Texas at Austin: "Penises are sexy to women." Say it nightly as you do your lunges.
While we're at it: Want to meet someone who has no interest in covering you in chocolate sauce? Nerve Dating is your spot.
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