27 Daring And Disturbing Cock Contraptions [NSFW]

You know what they say: What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. We often examine the weird things available for enhancing or showing off the female anatomy, but turnabout is fair play. So, in the spirit of bizarre thingamabobs for boobs, we hereby present a crazy collection of cock contraptions. Penis paraphernalia. Dick devices. Gadgets for the gonads. If it’s designed to cover, display or sheath the phallus, it’s here. So incredibly not safe for work its not even funny. Are you ready?

For dudes who want to wear underwear but have nothing to hide: The mesh thong. Oh-so-breathable!

Party boys take note: The Pulse Sock comes in a variety of lively colors.

Another option for soirées: A “bold gold” “minicheek” boxer. He will be the host with the most. (Skin showing.) Yes, this also comes in a thong version. Fret not.

Men in touch with their romantic, sensitive side can opt for a lace bikini or lace thong. Choose from racy black or virginal white!

If the bikini and thong offer way too much coverage and a guy is looking for something skimpier, there’s always a smaller version.

The triple string thong would be great on Valentine’s Day.

You can’t have a list like this without including the elephant thong. It’s an American classic.

The Cocksak might look like a hackey sack, but you shouldn’t kick it.

Latex lovers can try the dungeon thong.

A Latex brief with a penis sleeve keeps the junk from getting smushed and squashed.

Then again, some guys just want to let it all hang out. Behold the peephole brief.

A gentleman who prefers a natural, earthy look can get the Mojave g-string. Frolicking in the desert requires the appropriate accoutrements.

A lad may choose to celebrate his Highland heritage with a kilt jock. Or maybe just do a sexy Braveheart battle reenactment.

The bondage community really offers tons of devices for dicks. Cock sheaths come in a variety of styles and colors, and can extend the penis a few inches or so. The black mamba promises “a bigger, harder, longer-lasting erection.” And your partner might think he or she is fucking Darth Vader.

Kali is the Hindu goddess of destruction; she wears a skirt made of human arms and a belt of severed heads. So a BDSM thing called Kali’s teeth is fairly self-explanatory.

One of the most famous cock ring contraptions is known as the gates of hell. For the man who doesn’t find reading Dante stimulating enough.

The cock cuff is a chrome-plated chastity device designed to restrict erection. It also kind of looks like a gorgeous new faucet from Moen.

When it’s not actually on a dick, the jailhouse chastity device looks like an arty objét for your coffee table.

Ladies, if you’re going to propose to your man, why get him a boring old engagement ring when you can present him with the cobra penis cap? Fun alternative!

More intimate than the cobra cap is this cock plug with head harness. Yes, that is an amythest! The contraption is really quite beautiful, with kind of a medieval/royal vibe. Dothraki role play, anyone?

Then again, if you’re going to pretend to be royal, you might as well just get a crown.

WAIT WHAT.

This gadget is made for jelquing, which is a fancy word that means “rubbing, rolling and pulling the dick in an attempt make it longer.” Yeah.

The copy for the “Tight Pleasures” masturbator reads:

When masturbating, many men fantasize about penetrating deeply into a woman and feeling her tight love holes open as he thrusts his cock inside. The Tight Pleasures Masturbator helps men achieve that sensation during masturbation.

But, uh, on the world’s tiniest lady?

Speaking of tiny ladies. This is the hand job turbo stroker.

The cobra libre is for hands-free masturbation, and designed to resemble a sports car. You have to hold it as it vibrates, so it’s not really hands-free, but the white/black color combo is great for guys who choose Mac over PC.

On the road? The Auto Suck plugs into a car’s cigarette lighter. According to this review, it “stimulates the head of the penis and gives a terrific and attentive blow job,” making it “perfect for road trips, camping, trucking, a limo ride, or just a quick lunch hour spent in the car.” A note: “It’s important to note that the Auto Suck doesn’t swallow. Without proper planning, things could get a little messy.”