250,000 Zealous Fans Demand the Duck Dynasty Dude Be Put Back on TV

This Duck Dynasty fracas isn’t over yet. According to the Daily Mail, a petition calling for the reinstatement of patriarch Phil Robertson (plus a formal apology from A&E) has gathered over 250,ooo signatures.

This isn’t some plea for freedom of expression, either. The petition says Robertson’s remarks were “simply reflective of a Biblical view of sexuality, marriage, and family.” And it’s studded with gems like this one: “As a Faith Driven Consumer, I am signing this petition to demand that my views be treated with equality and respect in America’s rich rainbow of diversity.”

It’s a real find if you were looking for something even more disingenuous than your Aunt Martha’s praise of your “unique” holiday sweater.

The petition is the work of one organization, “Faith Driven Consumer,” and, unsurprisingly, their website is evangelical bizarro-world. Their mission:

As Faith Driven Consumers, we choose to match our wallets to our worldview and support companies whose corporate actions are compatible with biblical faith.This is action every one of us can take, every day. And we can advocate for and grow faith-compatible businesses all over America.

Jesus, take the wheel (of this grocery cart)! Oh, and they have a video, too:

The site is full of reviews of corporations vis a vis the “biblical worldview,” as well as shopping guides for Christmas and other occasions.

We’re not just talking family-friendly entertainment and modest clothing, either. For instance, 1-800-Flowers fares poorly because it “promotes the homosexual lifestyle through advertisements in GLBT magazines as well as sponsoring an event for the homosexual community.” They LOVE Hobby Lobby, though, awarding the company four and a half stars.

American Airlines receives two stars, or “leaning against a Biblical world view.” And it’s not because their customer service is almost satanically bad. No, apparently the company is a “significant supporter of the homosexual lifestyle through commercials, company diversity, and legislative advocacy,” as well as supporting Susan G. Komen, “which indirectly supports Planned Parenthood, the leading abortion provider in the nation.”

But don’t worry, American Airlines. It’s not too late, if you start pandering now!

Outlook: We believe American Airlines has room for significant growth to become more faith-friendly. By actively supporting the traditional family and pro-life organizations, American Airlines can better align with the Biblical worldview. We would encourage American Airlines to reach out to the Christian consumer and focus a reasonable portion of its significant resources in areas that speak to the needs and preferences of that Christian consumer.

Unfortunately, they don’t get very specific about what that means. Donating to anti-gay causes? Banning gays from their planes? Replacing their logo with a camo cross and showing Duck Dynasty 24/7?

Somewhere, William Faulkner is laughing his ass off at what the New South turned into. Damn, ya’ll.