Fox News’s 20th anniversary is today, and everything is going really well on their end. Sean Hannity and Megyn Kelly are great friends, no one is suing anyone for sexual harassment, and Hillary Clinton recently spontaneously combusted, raining a cascade of green goo and Benghazi dust onto a New York City sidewalk.
Here are some things you can do to honor this special day.
1. Ask a Chinese person if they “know Karate.”
2. Remind your friends and loved ones that Santa is actually white.
3. Approach a friend and demand she do a “twirl.”
4. Refuse to believe the testimonies of multiple female colleagues who alleged that your disgusting boss sexually harassed them.
5. Walk into oncoming traffic and shriek: “What’s next, dolphin-human marriage?!”
6. Construct an argument around a completely made-up poll, chart, or graphic.
7. Get very angry with Beyoncé.
9. Suggest that perhaps we ought to get rid of Black History Month.
10. Treat conspiracy theories like interesting facts.
11. Refer to the staff of Jezebel.com as “a bunch of angry chicks that just hate on really attractive women.”
12. Photoshop pictures of people who are smarter than you to make them look like 12th century anti-Semitic propaganda.
13. Suggest that an innocent teenager deserved to die.
14. Have a public meltdown.
15. Fall in love with a demagogue.
16. Give your coworker a “terrorist fist jab.”
17. Destroy the world.
18. Tell a liar he’s right.
19. Lie some more!
20. Blow out your hair, put on high heels and a curve-hugging dress, and walk around a Bible in circles for several hours until you finally collapse.
Happy anniversary, y’all!