Thanks to Glamour’s love specialists, we already know how to make any living man spontaneously cum at the sight of us — but what about those of us who are dating ghosts? Where’s our content?

If your experience is anything like ours, you’ll know that ghosts aren’t easy to please: they keep odd hours, refuse to maintain a corporeal shape and we all know how picky they can be when it comes to choosing a Seamless restaurant! But never fear: these 13 simple tricks are guaranteed to turn any ghost into a more-than-friendly ghost.

  1. Keep his favorite drinks stocked in the fridge— even if they are no longer being produced. Then, be ready in a sexy maid outfit to mop up the mess when the liquid falls through him.
  2. Let him sit on your chest, even when you’re “not in the mood.” He’ll appreciate your patience, but he also expects it.
  3. Keep underneath the bed clean and uncluttered for when he’s in the mood to lie motionless for 20 hours.
  4. Print out clippings when his friends’ great-great-grandchildren pass away. It’ll make him remember how it feels to be a human man capable of love.
  5. How about letting him choose the radio station for once? He gets that his favorite station sounds like static to you, and that’s kind of the point.
  6. Keep all the doors open — even though he doesn’t need them, it’ll make him feel welcome in your home which was really used to be his home anyway.
  7. Invite all his friends over every year for a big death-versary party. He might give you a happy ending for celebrating his tragic one.
  8. Launder and fold his tattered sheets. He might get upset that you touched his things without permission, but he will hopefully someday recognize it’s for his own good.
  9. Meet up with your more diverse friends outside the house — he is super racist and loves that you know it.
  10. Sit quietly while he does his nightly howling. You might be bored, but he’s having the time of his afterlife and is no doubt thrilled you stopped talking.
  11. Teach him how to use your smartphone, but pretend he’s teaching you. He comes from a very different time, you know — women weren’t allowed to talk then.
  12. Wear a chastity belt when you leave the house (and make sure he sees it). He’ll love that you recognize that he owns you like property.
  13. Kill yourself. He’ll be touched by the ultimate gesture of commitment.

Contact the author at joanna@jezebel.com.

Image via Paramount Pictures.

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