Thanks to Glamour’s love specialists, we already know how to make any living man spontaneously cum at the sight of us — but what about those of us who are dating ghosts? Where’s our content?
If your experience is anything like ours, you’ll know that ghosts aren’t easy to please: they keep odd hours, refuse to maintain a corporeal shape and we all know how picky they can be when it comes to choosing a Seamless restaurant! But never fear: these 13 simple tricks are guaranteed to turn any ghost into a more-than-friendly ghost.
- Keep his favorite drinks stocked in the fridge— even if they are no longer being produced. Then, be ready in a sexy maid outfit to mop up the mess when the liquid falls through him.
- Let him sit on your chest, even when you’re “not in the mood.” He’ll appreciate your patience, but he also expects it.
- Keep underneath the bed clean and uncluttered for when he’s in the mood to lie motionless for 20 hours.
- Print out clippings when his friends’ great-great-grandchildren pass away. It’ll make him remember how it feels to be a human man capable of love.
- How about letting him choose the radio station for once? He gets that his favorite station sounds like static to you, and that’s kind of the point.
- Keep all the doors open — even though he doesn’t need them, it’ll make him feel welcome in your home which was really used to be his home anyway.
- Invite all his friends over every year for a big death-versary party. He might give you a happy ending for celebrating his tragic one.
- Launder and fold his tattered sheets. He might get upset that you touched his things without permission, but he will hopefully someday recognize it’s for his own good.
- Meet up with your more diverse friends outside the house — he is super racist and loves that you know it.
- Sit quietly while he does his nightly howling. You might be bored, but he’s having the time of his afterlife and is no doubt thrilled you stopped talking.
- Teach him how to use your smartphone, but pretend he’s teaching you. He comes from a very different time, you know — women weren’t allowed to talk then.
- Wear a chastity belt when you leave the house (and make sure he sees it). He’ll love that you recognize that he owns you like property.
- Kill yourself. He’ll be touched by the ultimate gesture of commitment.
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Image via Paramount Pictures.