12 Steps To Go From Jezehell To Stepford Heaven

If someday you decide to get right with God and give up your libidinous Feminazi bonerkilling ways, Martha Peace, profiled by Kathryn Joyce in MotherJones, is here to show you the way to non-kinky submission.

You see, God didn’t give you free will to think independent thoughts and be a fully-formed and equal human being: You are here to serve men to show your respect for God. Like any other addiction — including the drug one that Mrs. Peace herself once suffered from — there are 12 steps to get over your addiction to perfidious independence and equality.

1. Admit that your life is unmanageable and you are powerless in the face of Satan’s minions like Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem telling you that you can and should have a life that fulfills you.
2. Believe that accepting the patriarchal God exactly as described in the Bible and interpreted by conservative Christians is the only thing that can restore you to a state of spiritual purity and resolve any nagging thoughts that there must be more to your life than what you can do for men. That’s just crazy talk.
3. Decide to turn over your will and life to the care of a Good Christian man in every way, because you don’t need to worry about anything as long as you got your man. He’s a stand in for God. (Who also has a penis but not in a sexytime way Or to urinate. He just has one because you don’t, to prove that He’s better than you.)
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself, focusing on the fact that you haven’t been a good enough woman to fearlessly submit to the ultimate control of a man because that’s what God really wants. Feel really bad about not being submissive enough.
5. Admit to yourself, and God, since you probably don’t have a man yet, how wrong you were to think that you really wanted or deserved independence or equality. If you do have a man, make sure you prostrate yourself before him and beg forgiveness for all the times you asked him to do anything to make you happy or to compromise in any way.
6. Be ready to remove all the defects in your character, like not cooking every meal for your husband and family, not letting your husband approve your appearance, and not ceding all decisions of any remote import to your husband.
7. Ask God and your husband to remove all your character defects, like not speaking soothingly enough or selfishly desiring romance, so that you can be a blank canvas of appropriate Christian female submission to male authority like God wants you to be.
8. Make a list of all the men you’ve harmed with your silly independent thoughts and desire for equality and go beg them for forgiveness.
9. Go make amends to all the men you’ve harmed by believing you had any rights or even desire for so-called equality. This might include penis-in-vagina sex, if one of those men is your husband, but buttsecks and blow jobs are just gay things he wants that you shouldn’t give up and rug-munching is “ungodly” because God totally doesn’t ever lick vaginas.
10. Everytime you have an errant thought about your own personal desires for anything, flog yourself appropriately, and apologize to your husband for not being submissive enough. Please don’t forget the “no blow jobs” part, because your husband is kind of gay and will keep asking each time you randomly apologize.
11. Seek God through prayer and meditation, trying to figure out His will for you, which you already know is to submit utterly to your husband to the point where you have no individuality. In the meantime, keep a book in which you record all your bitter and individualistic thoughts to better suppress them.
12. Once you become the Stepford wife God wants you to be, bring the message of Christian wifely submission to other women who haven’t accepted their God-given role of being submissive to the will of their husbands without question.

Although you’re not required to follow all the 12 Steps to redeem your eternal soul from an eternity of hellfire and damnation for the audacity of thinking yourself an individual human being, don’t think that just because Mrs’ Peace’s BFF Nancy Leigh DeMoss says, “It is a revolution that will take place on our knees,” that you can ignore the no-blow-jobs part.