100 Things a Teen Age Girl Wants to Know Is a Hilarious Artifact

Illustration for article titled 100 Things a Teen Age Girl Wants to Know Is a Hilarious Artifact

Forget Full Frontal Feminism, 100 Things a Teen Age Girl Wants to Know is the book to buy all the young ladies in your life immediately. Don't fill their pretty little heads with ideas of bodily autonomy and jobs outside the home — instead, let minister W. V. Grant, Sr. teach pesky teen girls about principles, reputation, and courtesy how to get and keep a man.


Written in the early 1960s, this book is filled with so much hilarity, you'll want to copy and paste some quotes for your vision board:

"No girl really wants to go all the way with a boy."

"He keeps and operates the car for the same reason you spend so much time on fixing your hair or baking your first cake."

"Do not ever nag at him or complain too much about things. Why tell him his faults? Better to not say anything about his faults until he asks you. When you get mad, put a dipper of cold water in your mouth and hold it there till it boils."

This whole book is a The National Treasure, and on top of the stellar advice, there's an amazing Q&A section, featuring questions he clearly wrote himself:

Q. He went on a blind date.
A. There are blind dates that are really blind, made by blind people, but don't you be blind, even if you go on a blind date. These dates are extremely dangerous. Most of these boys who do this have really run out of dates so they have to make a date with a girl who doesn't know them.

Just what? Seriously, this might be the best book ever written ever. If you find a copy at your local Tattered N' Dusty (great name I just made up for used bookstores), please let me know immediately. I must own the precious.

[Village Voice]


Rebecca "Burt" Rose

Q: Suppose I am trapped and yield to temptation before I get married?
A: I know a man who married but divorced his wife because he found that she had committed fornication before they were married. Both their lives were wrecked. For this reason, you should remain single two years before marrying. Then you will be accepted as a virgin.

Got it, sluts? You have to be single two years before you can be accepted as a virgin. So go fucking nuts. Fuck everyone's brains out, nonstop. Just shut your legs for two years before you get married, so your husband won't divorce you for all your whoring.