10 Reasons Why Cruises Are Not Actually the Worst

Dear Future Passenger [INSERT NAME HERE],

Ted Bettinger of the Board of Cruise Travel here! We in the cruise industry have recently come under fire from several media outlets following a few minor and controlled incidents that occurred aboard our luxury ocean liner(s). This, we believe, is a part of a larger campaign created by the railway, airline and auto bus industries to keep you, LOYAL CUSTOMER, away from experiencing the BRILLIANCE OF THE SEAS®. We are not letting this negative hate speech and unfair attention deter us from offering you the vacation of your dreams and we hope that you will not let the negative press surrounding the recent event(s) stand in the way of your perfect holiday.

As we all know, it is best to approach any situation from multiple perspectives. This is how a painting goes from a bunch of squiggly lines to a Picasso! The same can be said for one of our luxury cruises. From the perspective of the media, the land and sky tour lobby and a group of particularly spiteful customers, our ships might be seen as flaming, feces-encrusted deathtraps, but that’s only a few biased opinions! To most, cruised remain the perfect getaway from the daily stresses of modern day life:

“[INSERT PASSENGER TESTIMONIAL #1 HERE]”

“[INSERT PASSENGER TESTIMONIAL #2 HERE]”

See? Perspective!

You don’t have to take [PASSENGER #1] or [PASSENGER #2]’s word for it. You can take our word for it as well!

Here are the TOP 10 REASONS to book a cruise for your upcoming (and ultimate) summer vacation:

10. Experience other cultures up close and personal.

Not only will our ocean liners allow you to experience the beauty of several exotic locations at our many docking locations, but occasionally — if you’re lucky enough! — the foreign cultures will come directly to us. You won’t even have to get off the boat!

The lame stream media has labeled these motorboats full of men with machine guns, machetes and bazookas as “pirates” who are “extremely dangerous,” but we like to think of them as ambassadors of the sea!

9. Finally get some alone time.

It can be hard to find QT time with your cutie, especially when work and family come into play. If you and your honey are looking for some much needed alone time, we’ve got just the answer.

We provide the romance, you provide the life vest. (Seriously, please bring your own life preserver.)

8. Unplug

Sick the constant buzz of technology that fills your day-to-day? Wish you could get away from your boss’ constant emails or the calls from your in-laws? Want to go back to your roots and experience a more simple kind of life?

If so, a cruise is your solution! Not only do we offer surprise blackout specials where our ships suddenly lose power, but as an added extra for you outdoorsy types, we’ll also throw in a more rustic option of non-working toilets. (Option may be non optional.)

You loved it when you went camping; now love it aboard a ship that we won’t allow you to disembark.

7. Shuffleboard!

Shuffleboard!

6. fun. for the kids!

Fun. Period. Like the band!

“Boats are for squares, dad!”

“Are they? Then I guess you won’t be needing these square tickets that your old man got you for the Coachella cruise after all…”

“Yay, dad!”

5. Relive history!

Do you think the blimp industry would recreate a working Hindenburg for you? Of course they wouldn’t because the blimp industry, unlike the cruise industry, has no respect for history. This is why we’ve decided to recreate the RMS Titanic and sell tickets for approximately $1 million per passenger.

The original Titanic’s route from Southampton, UK, to New York, New York was interrupted when the liner struck an iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the ocean on April 15, 1912. Over 1,50o people, many of them women and children, died that night, some from having drowned and others from the extremely cold temperatures of the Atlantic Ocean.

Buy your way onboard today! A first class ticket gets you a 20-course dinner!

4. It’s better than traveling on a bus, plane or train.

This is true no matter how many times Mama Bettinger tells you how much of a disappointment you are compared to your bus driver, pilot and train conductor brothers. You don’t need her approval because you’re a big boy, a captain, the acting president of Board of Cruise Travel and everyone thinks you’re great. That’s right — Teddy’s a big boy now.

3. Good company and family bonding

What’s the best part of a family vacation? It’s being confined to a small space that you’re unable to walk away from because you’re surrounded by miles and miles of sea. If this leads to your bus driver, pilot and train conductor brothers to admitting how impressed and jealous of you they are, then that is just an added bonus and coincidence and definitely not why you got into the cruise business to begin with.

2. Your acquaintances who are stuck at home (or worse — on a plane, train or bus) will be burning with jealousy.

You’ll just be burning — whether its with passion or actual fire is up to the gods!

1. Finally! A reason to slow down and take take it all in.

In this go-go-go world, it can actually be pretty nice when something forces you to stop so you can let it all sink in. Our cruises promise to stop working frequently and start sinking often, giving you, our valued customer, the opportunity to get up close and personal with the sublimity of the ocean, as well as the beauty and fleeting nature of human life.

(Note: It is not the cruise industry’s fault that people do not have gills, so please stop pointing fingers at us when someone or a large group drowns.)

Thank you for reading, [INSERT NAME HERE]. We look forward to having* you onboard later this summer.

Sincerely,

Ted Bettinger, Acting President of the Board of Cruise Travel

*The cruise ship is not be accountable for any incidents of human halving, whether it be by anchor, fellow passenger or any other onboard cleaving materials.