"What the heck is 'National Men Make Dinner Day'?" asks the official website of National Men Make Dinner Day, which by our best guess is a web content occasion sponsored by Proctor & Gamble's grocery division. #NationalMenMakeDinnerDay is also proving to be excellent grounds for gender-bending, conversation-changing social media discourse, inspiring tweets such as Pizza places are going to be busy tonight! and That's right, he cooks with his shirt off #HubbyCookedMeal.

But we'll let National Men Make Dinner day answer their own question.

The ideal participant in 'National Men Make Dinner Day' is the man who:

  • Helps with household chores
  • Has a sense of humor and is a great all-around guy
  • loves his wife/girlfriend, kids and pets

BUT NEVER LEARNED TO COOK!

… and is somewhat afraid of the idea.

Thank Jesus someone has thought to address the needs of this incredibly underserved demographic. If you yourself have accepted such a creature into your heart as your own personal HouseLord and DickSavior—and if you'd like to help him jump one tweensy bittle notch up on Maslov's hierarchy of needs—we have compiled some of our favorite Just-For-Men Recipes right here, for you.

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(Warning: do not attempt these recipes if you identify as female, for the chef's secret ingredient is wang.)


1. "What Women Want" Artisanal Hors D'oeuvre Sampler

Find plate that's still out on the kitchen counter from breakfast two days ago. Search refrigerator for block of cheese (or four). Slice cheese into cubes straight through the wrapper. Scatter cheese cubes gently onto plate, garnishing with whatever else is on the counter (nuts from the airport? Tortilla scraps from a Chipotle burrito that the wife was too ~delicate~ to finish?) and serve with Strawber-Rita someone left in your refrigerator as a joke.

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2. Fish Bucket

Girls love raw fish because it's healthy! So take your Segway down to the docks and find your favorite fishwife. Purchase approximately 9 pounds of raw pickerel for every member of your household (double if counting pets). Once home, stack fish in chilled champagne bucket and place on table. No napkins: just a bucket o' fun.

3. Cake Filled With One Million Dollars

Buy cake from local Western Beef. With a sharp, serrated bread knife, remove the middle third of cake and set aside for later. Gently wedge one million dollars (cash only) between cake thirds. Let rest 30 minutes and then serve.

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4. Western Beef

  • Heat 2 tbsp oil in a heavy pot over medium heat. Season 4-pound chuck roast with salt. Cook, turning until brown on all sides, about 15 minutes. Transfer beef to plate.
  • Add 2 tbsp oil to pot. Add 4 onions coarsely chopped, 2 smashed garlic cloves, sprig of thyme and bay leaf. Cook, stirring often, until onions are golden brown. Remove pot from heat and add 1 cup dry red wine. Return pot to heat and simmer until wine is reduced by half.
  • Return beef to pot, add broth. Bring to boil, reduce heat, cover and simmer until beef is fork-tender, about 4 hours. Let beef cool in cooking liquid, strain liquid, chill overnight.
  • Discard fat from surface of braising liquid. Bring chilled braising liquid back to a boil. Cook until sauce has reduced to 1 cup, about 30 minutes. Add beef to skillet and cook until beef is heated through, about 10 minutes. Sprinkle with flaky sea salt.
  • Eat while facing west and wearing nothing but a backwards apron and a dick sock a la Flea.

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5. Whatever You Can Put Together While Wearing This

You are THRIVING. You are nailing this making-dinner life.

6. Classic Steak 'N Blowjob

Order two primo steaks from nearest fancy steakhouse (Outback counts). At home, pull out the registry china that you never use. Plate double steaks as if you cooked them yourself. When your true love gets home, attempt to give yourself a blowjob. Hey, it's kinda fun once you get into it, right?

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7. Avocado Toast

Never mind, too complicated.

8. Hearty Autumn Magic Potion (V, GF, 316 cal/serving)

Moon Phase: waxing to dark moon
Day: Thursday
Planet: Saturn
Colors: black
Herbs: cardamom, ginger, coriander, red geranium
Stones: rose quartz
Tarot Card: The Chariot

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Combine ingredients and literally go die.

9. Secret Ingredient Grilled Cheese

Hey, I was kidding about the whole "go die" thing. God, you're stressed out this week, I didn't think you'd think I was serious. Yeah, I feel like just grilled cheese would be amazing! Yeah, whatever kind of bread you want. No, not pumpernickel, are you kidding—sorry, I didn't mean to snap! It is SO nice of you to be making dinner tonight for us. I could really use the break, today felt so shitty—yeah. Whatever kind of cheese you want, dude! Like, what would you buy if you were making grilled cheese for yourself? Are you serious, Kraft American singles? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a good Kraft single but tonight's supposed to be like a thing, you know—it was like, a hashtag—whatever.

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As long as you got the secret ingredient.

No, it's not love. What kind of cheese did you end up getting? Are you serious? We're doing Kraft American on PUMPERNICKEL?

Well. As long as you got the secret ingredient.

Jesus. It's NOT LOVE. I thought you said you had Xanax.

10. A Baby

I mean. You know what to do :)

Illustration by Tara Jacoby. Recipe modified from Bon Appetit.