Sometimes, a Would U topic is not the choice of the Would Writer. Sometimes, a Would U topic is the result of a populist uprising on intra-office messenger Slack, in which the Would Writer’s colleagues come at her like a swarm of barbaric hornbots and demand that she ask our readers if, say, they would fuck Donald Trump if he lived inside Jason Momoa’s body.
But think about it. Would you?
Jason Momoa is ripped as hell and has a cool scar on his eyebrow. Donald Trump is a smushed up caterpillar your 6-year-old brother set on fire with a magnifying glass. Would you have sex with Jason Momoa, except inside of him is a pussy-grabbing demagogue and Tic Tac hoarder who has solid plans to destroy the planet? Here is an excerpt of our discussion. It was a very long discussion.
Brendan: Would U: Donald Trump If he Looked Like Jason Momoa
Kelly Stout: Wow
Emma: Can we do that?
Kelly Stout: That is truly a hard question.
Kelly Stout: ATTN ELLIE
Joanna Rothkopf: @ellie
Emma: Who’s gonna say yes first?
Joanna: For the first time ever....I was speechless.
Bobby: I mean I could put on earplugs.
Bobby: Yes, I would. I would just pretend it’s Jason Momoa.
Emma: I’d wear noise-canceling headphones like Leo.
Ellie: Could he be in Dothraki robes?
Brendan: Jason Momoa could actually fill out those suits. He’d look good.
Bobby: It would be Donald’s...moves. Which is bad.
Kelly Faircloth: I feel queasy.
Joanna: Oh, hm, yeah. The moves.
Kelly Stout: What about peen?
Ellie: What would remain of Donald exactly?
Joanna: What about the moves? And the mouth breathing? And the hand flapping?
Kelly Stout: And the looming.
Ellie: Yeah what of Donald’s mouth movements and puckering?
Bobby: Fully Jason’s bod. But Donald’s...behavior. Which is truly horrifying.
Gabrielle: I don’t think I could. I unendorse my endorsement.
Bobby: Maybe I take it back.
Clover: Ok then yes.
Kelly Stout: I can already see myself waking up in a cold sweat from a sex dream tonight.
Joanna: I LITERALLY DON’T KNOW.
Emma: He is fully physically Jason Momoa, but personally, he’s Donald Trump.
Joanna: But what does that mean though?
Bobby: It means it’s Jason Momoa under complete physical control of Donald’s brain. And with Donald’s voice, which is so scary.
Julianne: I would but not tell anyone.
Joanna: No way. Not Donald’s voice.
Kelly Stout: The voice is a dealbreaker for me.
Brendan: So much of Trump’s personality is in his physicality, though.
Kelly Faircloth: I think this is the Would U that makes me take a vow of chastity and retreat to a life of quiet contemplation.
Julianne: Ugh shit I wouldn’t actually.
Joanna: Here are the circumstances I would:
Joanna: If he had Jason Momoa’s body
Joanna: Didn’t speak or move
Joanna: Just lay there.
Kelly Stout: He’d be like, “oooh, your va-CHINA!”
Aimee: I think his breath would be very bad.
Ellie: Does Donald Trump’s breath live in Jason Momoa’s mouth?
Aimee: Yes. Because I don’t think Donald Trump knows how to take care of himself hygienically.
Kara: Fuck all of you for ruining Jason for me.
Kara: Ugh. Probably yes. I hate myself.
Kelly Faircloth: Me, after today.
Emma: Ya I want to die.
Stassa: Jason Momoa is definitely going to sue us.
Kelly Stout: What a way to go though, you know?
This poll is rigged, but what do you think?
Last time on Would U?, we asked: Would you have sex with Great British Bake-Off traitor Paul Hollywood? 33.7% answered: “Hell no I wouldn’t! Fuck you, Paul!” 23.7% said “Maybe, if this arrangement involved getting to meet Mary Berry”; 22% said “Maybe, if this arrangement involved baked goods”; and 20.5% said “Hell yes I would! I, too, like the way he says ‘raw’.”
CORRECTION: This post originally misidentified the device with which your 6-year-old brother sets smushed-up caterpillars on fire as a microscope. It is a magnifying glass.