Image via USA.

Late Wednesday afternoon, The Daily Mail published a story with the following headline: “Don’t get jealous, Harry! Meghan Markle is reunited with her on-screen fiancé as Suits airs for first time since her relationship with Prince Harry went public.”

This was, of course (of course?), a reference to the mid-season premiere of Markle’s popular USA show about well-dressed men, and was the source of a laugh or three from myself because of its click-hungry desire to use ‘Meghan <3s Harry’ as a peg for literally anything. But, as someone who had never seen Suits, I began to wonder...what if there are parallels? What if my beloved Daily Mail was so excited about the show’s return because it knew what I didn’t: that Suits is an extended metaphor for the relationship between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle?

I decided to watch the show’s mid-season premiere “She’s Gone,” to find out. It began with a recap that did absolutely nothing for me. Have you ever walked in on the middle of a conversation that had already been happening for half an hour and felt confused? It was sort of like that, only the people I walked in on were the grown-up versions of the most annoying theater kids from my high school and they were shouting lines from USA television shows at random. No parallel there.

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As the episode begins, a sexy lawyer named Harvey (the main suit) is in bed with a redhead whose name was never made clear, but who appears frequently throughout the episode. They have what an alien might perceive as a sexy conversation about coffee—one that’s clearly meant as innuendo. She’s all (I’m paraphrasing by the way), “Mmmmmmm babe I made you some nice java, sorry it took me so long to prepare.” And he’s all, sip sip, “It’s the best coffee I’ve ever had.” Wait, is that innuendo? Typing it out makes the whole exchange seem like it may have just straight up been about coffee, and not...I actually don’t even know what I thought this was about at the time. Orgasms? Good grief. Anyway, come to find out, they’re not enjoying a nice aprés-fuck at all! It’s a dream! And it’s not even their dream, it’s someone else’s dream, which is both rude and gross! This man—some older man whose name I later find out is Louis—wakes up with a gasp and is like, “Damn, what a dream. Love to imagine my two coworkers sippin’ java after a fuck.” So, a weird dude had a sex dream about two other people who, as far as I can tell, don’t actually fuck IRL? That man must be Prince Charles, and those two dreamy java drinkers must represent Prince William and Duchess Kate.

Later, I find out the other suit, Mike, has just been released from prison for crimes relating to the fact that he practiced law without a license. Apparently this man is very, very, good at The Law, but lacked the required credentials to practice it for money. He practiced law at Harvey’s fancy firm anyway, and then got in trouble. This reckless attitude makes him a bad boy, which in turn makes him...Harry.

Initially I assumed our bad boy was Harvey’s brother, but as the episode went on I became less and less certain that they shared a mother and father. Once again...Harry. (The only thing about this Mike/Harvey relationship that doesn’t scream Harry/William is the fact that Harvey is the hotter one, but because physical attraction is entirely subjective, I chose not to let this emotional response cloud my judgments.)

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And then there’s Rachel, our Meghan Markle avatar. She begins the episode with a visit from her very successful father who is begging her to work at the family law firm and not the one that Harvey runs. Rachel resists, because Harvey’s firm is her home...or something. I didn’t fully understand her reasoning here, but took it to symbolize Meghan Markle’s brave decision to abandon her family’s generations-long trade (being peasants like us) and climbing the United Kingdom’s social ladder all the way to the top by marrying into royalty. I said it to Meghan, and I’ll say it to Rachel: Slayyyy mama!!!!! Snatch that crown, gurl!!!!!!!!

As the episode went on, I noticed more and more minor character traits that seemed to confirm my earlier suspicions. Nameless boring woman who I assumed was supposed to be Duchess Kate just sort of puttered around not doing much of anything but looking very important while doing it (ding ding ding!), Louis tried to assume power at the firm even though Harvey is younger, a better fit for the job, and definitely a better spokesperson for the company from a physical standpoint (sounds like William and his daddy!), and Mike got yelled out outside his apartment by a mysterious older woman who threatened him for making decisions she didn’t approve of (helloooooo, QE2!)

What I’m trying to say here is that I should always trust the bottomless well of knowledge known as The Daily Mail. Suits is about the royal family. It’s so obvious to me now.