Vote 2020 graphic
Everything you need to know about and expect during
the most important election of our lifetimes

Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Ranked

Image via Shutterstock.
Image via Shutterstock.

National Coffee Day is one of the better fake food and drink holidays because businesses tend to celebrate by giving a free cup of it (usually hot, and usually the smallest size) to java-loving customers around the country. But after finishing that serving of hot, life-giving nectar, how do you spend this blessed day celebrating the drink that gets your motor running every morning (and, if you’re a real javahead, every afternoon)?

Advertisement

The answer, of course, is buying yourself a piece of java merch! In addition to my love of java, I have a love of the love of java. Mugs and towels and pieces of distressed wood covered in javaisms are my kryptonite, and that makes Etsy planet Krypton.

Search for things like “coffee sayings” or “java stuff” and you will be treated to a cornucopia of coffee merch—everything from mugs to shirts to bumper stickers, all covered in sayings you’ve either heard before (i.e. “No coffee, no workee.”), or strange, robotically constructed sentences about one’s unparalleled javadoration (i.e. “Coffee is not a beverage. It is a moment of pleasure.”)

Advertisement

After looking through page after page of javaisms, I compiled a list of the best 37. (I could have done more, but again, I went weak.) Below is their official ranking. Enjoy! Or should I say...enjava!*

*I should not say enjava.

37. Coffee. Because crack is bad for you.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em

36. Any suggestion that not having one’s java will lead to violence. (e.g. I drink coffee for your protection.)

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement

35. Coffee. Liquid joy sauce.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement

34. Straight outta coffee.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


33. C.O.F.F.E.E. Christ Offers Forgiveness For Everyone Everywhere.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement

32. More coffee please.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


31. Coffee keeps me going.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement

30. Coffee is the answer to everything.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


29. Messy bun. Yoga pants. Large coffee. Bring it on.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


28. I just want to drink coffee, save animals, and take naps.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


27. Coffee is not a beverage. It is a moment for pleasure.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


26. Everybody should believe in something. I believe I’ll have another coffee.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement

25. All the coffee.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement

24. If you bring me coffee without having to ask, then I love you.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


23. Gilmore Girls-related javaisms. (e.g. I drink coffee like a Gilmore)

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


22. Depression-related javaisms. (e.g. Today I will drink my coffee and pretend everything is OK.)

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


21. With enough coffee, anything is possible.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


20. Forget calm I need coffee!

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


19. I sleep just to wake up for coffee!

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement



18. Rise and grind.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement

17. I just wanna sip coffee and pet my dog!

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


16. I don’t have enough coffee...or middle fingers today.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement



15. But first, coffee.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement



14. I like big cups and I cannot lie.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


13. All the coffee in Colombia won’t make me a morning person.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement

12. Any suggestion that not having one’s java will lead to a curse. (e.g. You think I’m wicked now? You should see me without my coffee.)

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


11. Coffee. You can sleep when you’re dead.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


10. Coffee keeps me going until it’s acceptable to drink [type of alcohol]. (e.g. wine/fireball)

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


9. Suggestions that the only thing you do like is coffee. (e.g. I don’t like mornings. Or morning people. Or people. But I do love coffee.)

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


8. No coffee no workee.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


7. No coffee no talkee.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


6. Bring me java, bring me joy!

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


5. I’d stop drinking coffee but I’m no quitter.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


4. Life begins after coffee.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


3. Yawn: a silent scream for more coffee.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


2. I didn’t choose the mug life. The mug life chose me.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em
Advertisement


1. I eat salad every day. Bean salad. Coffee bean salad. ...Coffee. I drink coffee every day.

Illustration for article titled Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Rankedem/em

Staff Writer, Jezebel | Man

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

bobbyfinger
Bobby Finger

Hope you all enjoy this vid of me.