Reasons I’ve Gotta Have My Java, Ranked

Image via Shutterstock.
Image via Shutterstock.

National Coffee Day is one of the better fake food and drink holidays because businesses tend to celebrate by giving a free cup of it (usually hot, and usually the smallest size) to java-loving customers around the country. But after finishing that serving of hot, life-giving nectar, how do you spend this blessed day celebrating the drink that gets your motor running every morning (and, if you’re a real javahead, every afternoon)?

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The answer, of course, is buying yourself a piece of java merch! In addition to my love of java, I have a love of the love of java. Mugs and towels and pieces of distressed wood covered in javaisms are my kryptonite, and that makes Etsy planet Krypton.

Search for things like “coffee sayings” or “java stuff” and you will be treated to a cornucopia of coffee merch—everything from mugs to shirts to bumper stickers, all covered in sayings you’ve either heard before (i.e. “No coffee, no workee.”), or strange, robotically constructed sentences about one’s unparalleled javadoration (i.e. “Coffee is not a beverage. It is a moment of pleasure.”)

After looking through page after page of javaisms, I compiled a list of the best 37. (I could have done more, but again, I went weak.) Below is their official ranking. Enjoy! Or should I say...enjava!*

*I should not say enjava.

37. Coffee. Because crack is bad for you.

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36. Any suggestion that not having one’s java will lead to violence. (e.g. I drink coffee for your protection.)

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35. Coffee. Liquid joy sauce.

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34. Straight outta coffee.

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33. C.O.F.F.E.E. Christ Offers Forgiveness For Everyone Everywhere.

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32. More coffee please.

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31. Coffee keeps me going.

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30. Coffee is the answer to everything.

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29. Messy bun. Yoga pants. Large coffee. Bring it on.

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28. I just want to drink coffee, save animals, and take naps.

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27. Coffee is not a beverage. It is a moment for pleasure.

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26. Everybody should believe in something. I believe I’ll have another coffee.

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25. All the coffee.

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24. If you bring me coffee without having to ask, then I love you.

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23. Gilmore Girls-related javaisms. (e.g. I drink coffee like a Gilmore)

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22. Depression-related javaisms. (e.g. Today I will drink my coffee and pretend everything is OK.)

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21. With enough coffee, anything is possible.

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20. Forget calm I need coffee!

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19. I sleep just to wake up for coffee!

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18. Rise and grind.

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17. I just wanna sip coffee and pet my dog!

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16. I don’t have enough coffee...or middle fingers today.

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15. But first, coffee.

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14. I like big cups and I cannot lie.

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13. All the coffee in Colombia won’t make me a morning person.

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12. Any suggestion that not having one’s java will lead to a curse. (e.g. You think I’m wicked now? You should see me without my coffee.)

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11. Coffee. You can sleep when you’re dead.

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10. Coffee keeps me going until it’s acceptable to drink [type of alcohol]. (e.g. wine/fireball)

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9. Suggestions that the only thing you do like is coffee. (e.g. I don’t like mornings. Or morning people. Or people. But I do love coffee.)

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8. No coffee no workee.

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7. No coffee no talkee.

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6. Bring me java, bring me joy!

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5. I’d stop drinking coffee but I’m no quitter.

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4. Life begins after coffee.

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3. Yawn: a silent scream for more coffee.

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2. I didn’t choose the mug life. The mug life chose me.

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1. I eat salad every day. Bean salad. Coffee bean salad. ...Coffee. I drink coffee every day.

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Staff Writer, Jezebel | Man

DISCUSSION

bobbyfinger
Bobby Finger

Hope you all enjoy this vid of me.