Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we avoid the increasingly batshit real-life political news by reading untrue batshit news about celebrities! This week, Kelly Ripa is the Queen of Mean, Jennifer Garner is the Queen of Serene, and Julia Roberts is the Queen of I’m Gonna Divorce Your Ass So Hard, Buddy.

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Pffft.


Star

Remember when we were so proud to name Kelly Ripa the Lady of Shady back in April when Michael Strahan suddenly announced his departure from Live? Well it appears she’s been downgraded (or upgraded, depending on your perspective) to Queen of Mean because she has a “reputation as a controlling, tantrum-throwing diva.” Coworkers, claims a source, have seen Kelly “rant and rave and eviscerate staffers” for “years.” “One minute she will be calm and nice, and the next minute she’s screaming about how she can’t keep carrying the show all by herself.”

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Well you know what? I’d be mad as hell about that hunk o’ bullshit, too! Strahan left her without giving any advance notice, ABC treated her like garbage after the announcement, and now they’re taking their sweet time finding her a new co-host! If that happened to me, you bet your ass I’d be yelling at everyone in the damn office! Interns would fear me! Celebrities would cover their entire bodies in anti-perspirant before appearing onstage! Andy Cohen would send me text messages that say things like, “Hey bud, if there’s anything I can do to help you calm down, let me know. People are worried about you.” And I would respond, “THEY SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT THEMSELVES.”

A List of Women Who Wore It Better:

  • Karlie Kloss
  • Jennifer Morrison
  • Diane Kruger

A List of Women Who Wore It Worse:

  • Emmanuele Chriqui
  • Jordana Brewster
  • Abigail Breslin
  • Jenna Dewan Tatum

Star For the Win:

And Also:

  • Leslie Jones is “haunted” by the death of her brother.
  • Gaga and Taylor Kinney used to get into fights “that would last for days.”
  • Rob Kardashian is starting to regret agreeing to be in a new reality show with Chyna. Oh, excuse me, Angela.
  • Amber Heard is “making up” with her ex, Taysa van Ree.
  • Kellan Lutz wore white pants.
  • Matt LeBlanc has a crippling fear of being sued?

Wrong Answer:


OK!

The Couple Formerly Known As Bennifer 2.0 is now back to being Bennifer 2.0! The two have “decided to give marriage another chance,” and have apparently thrown the divorce papers into an industrial shredder, and tossed both it and the shredded documents into a vat of molten steel. A source says Ben Affleck has been “working his butt off, under a lot of public scrutiny no less, to prove to Jennifer Garner that he’s worthy of another chance.” He even went so far as GETTING ON HIS KNEES and saying “he’d do whatever it takes to keep the family together.” A source calls this a “defining moment for him.” You know what I call a defining moment for him?

This:

A List of Women Who Wore It Better:

  • Alessandra Ambrosio
  • Jessie James
  • Karlie Kloss

A List of Women Who Didn’t Wear It Better:

  • Keke Palmer
  • Paula Patton
  • Jordana Brewster

And Also:

  • Pippa Middleton wants nothing more than to have a better wedding than her stupid, hideous Duchess sister.
  • Do not try to convince me that I should know the name of Margot Robbie’s boyfriend, OK.
  • Laura Prepon shared her recipe for Turmeric Turkey, which is exactly what it sounds like.
  • It’s Kellan Lutz in white pants again!
  • An item about Natalie Portman “snubbing” Scarlett Johansson begins, “They’re both A-list American actresses married to Frenchmen…”
  • Tom Cruise has been “banned” from having more Botox so that his character in the upcoming Mummy reboot looks “more rugged.”

In Touch

Alert! Alert! Julia Roberts and Danny Moder just had “one of their worst fights ever,” which means it must be Wednesday. Like most stories about famous couples, this one begins during a seemingly idyllic vacation in Hawaii. After Danny said he wanted to enjoy the day without having a schedule, Julia apparently “insisted on a daily itinerary” because she’s “rigid.” Danny then “threw a fit,” and the two had a fight that must have lasted hours. He allegedly screamed, “CUT THE CORD,” which could mean any number of things.

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The story ends with another insider saying, “Danny and Julia are both stubborn people who always believe they are in the right...the outlook is bleak...a divorce is imminent.” Wow, George Clooney has all the juiciest goss!

Interview Response of the Week: Seth Meyers Edition

This Entire Item Is Hideous:

And Also:

  • Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to adopt a seventh child.
  • The Kardashians had an intervention for Lamar, but he walked out.
  • Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross may split any second now. Maybe they’re going to split...right........now.
  • Kellan Lutz wore a light blue suit in this issue, which is disappointing.

Wrong Answer:


Appendix: