It’s nearly Mother’s Day, so get ready for some holiday themed content! This week’s Pissing Contest is all about the mamas! Tell us your happy mom stories, tell us your sad ones, tell us the ones about weird vacations and awkward interactions. As always, we’ll post the best of the best next week!
Speaking of winners, here are the triumphant submitters from last week’s Pissing Contest, The Craziest Thing You’ve Ever Done After a Breakup.
I was going through a very ugly divorce. My husband cheated multiple times and eventually moved out. While this was going on, I had to change the locks on the doors to my house due to a burglary, and didn’t tell him. One day, he stopped by to get something from the house and couldn’t get in. He flew into a rage and demanded a new key to the house. I consulted my lawyer, who told me that legally, I had to give him a key. So I went and had a key made and brought it to a friend of mine. She is originally from New Orleans and has a relative who claims to be a voodoo high priestess. I asked her if she could have her relative put a hex on that key. I don’t remember the exact hex details, but the gist of it was, the balls of the owner of the key would shrivel up and bear no other fruit. I mailed him the key and shortly after, I moved out of the house.
He married his mistress once the divorce was final, and has been trying for 8 years to have another kid with his new wife. So far, no dice.
Tracked down his wife and told her everything.
-doit2julia!, keeping it short and sweet.
I dated a guy in law school who broke up with me, on Valentine’s Day, in a fancy French restaurant. Apparently he thought I would not make a scene in public. Apparently he had learned shit about me in that year we dated. I bounced a bowl of fancy little French pickles off his forehead, one by one, and the waiter brought me a fresh bowl.
He also asked me not to date three men—my ex, a really hot guy who always hit on me, and a guy firmly wedged in the Friendzone. I slept with my ex within 24 hours, spent a couple weeks with the really hot guy, and then gave Friendzone a try, which lasted for a year and was actually exactly what I needed at that point in my life.
My ex thought it was a good idea to move to another state and hide from child support. Since he had such a consistent history of cheating I thought it would be easy to track him down on Craigslist’s Missed Connections. Someone had to know him because he had penis and it did wander. A lot. He also loved to make sure all the women he dated at once thought they were his beloved for eternity. So I posted his photo, description and my desire to have him served for child support on Missed Connections in the city I heard he was living in. In 4 hours 3 women emailed me, all claiming to be his girlfriend and none of them knew anything about me or his infant son or each other. So I replied to all of them, at once in one email and introduced them all to one another.
Needless to say it kind of ruined all his relationships... he also was living with a 4th woman. He ended up with none of them. I, on the other hand met 3 very nice women and one of them is still my friend to this day. We think our “how we met” story is beautiful. My post on Craigslist was the best post-break up therapy ever. I felt a million times better afterwards and I have to admit, it was pretty cleverly written. I made the best of Craigslist that year. I was honored.
I did hear that a few people who knew him printed it out and hung it up at the bar he frequented and it had made the rounds for a few months. This was before Facebook and Twitter so considering it was the infancy of social media I feel pretty proud that I accomplished so much online so fast. The department of child support services was also impressed. They used my story as an example to other women of “creative ways to find a non-custodial parent in arrears.”
And here, for your reading pleasure, is an email I got from a very chilled-out dude who doesn’t quite get what Pissing Contest is and is mad about it.
First one coming in last Saturday at 4:40am EST:
And the next one, because he had more to say, arriving at 4:44am:
Hope you enjoyed the breakup stories and have an easier time figuring it out this week, buddy!
Image via Addams Family Values/Paramount Pictures.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.