Your Testicles Are Ticking Time-Bombs of Death

Hahahahaha, balls. Balls are great, right? They’re hilarious, they’re stupid-looking, they’re friendly, and they’re where life comes from! (Kind of!) But tragically, according to a new study, balls are also where death comes from. Dun dun duuuuun!!!

A study of old-timey Korean eunuchs found that castrated men lived significantly longer than fully-testicled men—and not, like, a couple of years longer. Like DECADES longer.

Via ABC:

The study of over 80 eunuchs from the Chosun Dynasty, which ruled in Korea from 1392 to 1897, looked at the world’s only known record of eunuchs’ lives and compared them to genealogical records of other men of similar social rank. The researchers cross-checked their results with other royal records.

They found that the average lifespan of a Korean eunuch was about 70 years, 14 to 19 years higher than non-castrated men of similar social standing.

Researchers speculate that it’s no coincidence women have statistically longer lifespans than men—it’s possible, they say, that male sex hormones have a negative effect on the immune system and make men more vulnerable to heart problems. But in case you were rushing off to have your balls snipped (wait, you WERE!?!?), this sensible doctor would like to remind you that quality of life is more important than quantity of life:

“I would not recommend becoming a eunuch,” Coles said, “Or taking drugs to reduce your sex hormones.” Reducing testosterone levels in men or women would severely affect one’s sex drive, he said.

Do you hear that, men? This doctor would NOT recommend becoming a eunuch. Not. NOT.