Your Most Memorable Shitfaced Experience

Illustration for article titled Your Most Memorable Shitfaced Experience

With New Year's Eve upon us, we're reminded of (our friends') champagne blackouts, one-night stands, and other terrible turn-of-year mistakes. What, dear Jezeb-hellions, are your most memorable experiences involving too many drinks?

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Did any of these blurry, possibly nauseating moments somehow turn out amazingly well? Did you meet the love of your life while crouched in a corner with some terrible Hypnotiq and soda concoction, or make a lifelong friend connection mid-kegstand? Or did you just end up living out some sort of strange Bukowskiesque story involving leathery-looking petty criminals and a hotel swimming pool? Please share, in the comments!

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Note: This is not an endorsement of drunkenness!* But hey, if funny shit happened in the past, why not talk about it?

* Seriously, stay safe tonight, hang tight with a friend of you have one too many—that includes you, Ke$ha—and try to avoid overdoing it. Drink water between other drinks! Or don't drink at all and see how that goes (no hangovers, guaranteed).

Image fakelvis/via Flickr.

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DISCUSSION

I refer to mine as: the Lesbian Porn Incident.

College town Texas, late 90's. There's a party at Ben and Alan's apartment. Their third roommate is Jolene, Ben's younger sister, who is a freshman while the boys are seniors. At the time Kari and I arrive, she is the only girl at the party.

There are plenty of boys already arrived, and they are handling the fact that it is a sausage party by sucking hard on a bottle of tequila. In fact, it is nearly gone by the point where us girls walk in and the menfolk are trying to figure out how to liven up a party that is nothing but sausage, one angry lesbian, one girl-who's-one-of-the-guys, and one little sister. Alan decides that the party needs lesbian porn, so they take up a collection to go to Adult Video.

As we are the only sober people present, the drunkies attempt to send us to the adult video store. In response, we chug our beers so as to prove that we are totally not sober and thus not going. We have almost thwarted them when the group scapegoat wanders in late.

Chris was wearing a black button down shirt and gray pants with giant shiny dragons on them, and he totally thought he was cool. As soon as the drunks spot him, they are pressing him out of the door to run this errand for them. There's a pause, since none of them actually trust him with the cash, but thankfully, the little sister volunteers to go along and keep an eye on him. The drunkies specify that it is to be LESBIAN porn and that there are to be NO DICKS and then settle back down to imagine gleefully how awesome it will be when Chris and Jolene return.

Time passes. Eventually, when the drunkies have almost forgotten about the lesbian porn, the wayward pair returns. Chris looks a little violated but Jolene skips right in and announces, "They didn't have any lesbian porn so we got you Ass Rape on Cell Block D!" Drunken inertia was all that kept the tequila laden drunkies from murdering her. She subsequently burst into giggles and squealed, "JUST KIDDING! We got you Pony Girls!"

They pop in the VHS tape and it has not been rewound. The first image on the screen is a pussy that fills the entire large television, so close-up that it is detached from humanity and looks scarier than sexy. People recoil, and the screen goes blank while they rewind. Meanwhile, Jolene retells the experience of the adult video store. Chris had driven them over, and the two of them went in together to search for the right porno. Having selected it, Jolene remembered that she left the money in the car and abandoned Chris to go fetch it. While she was in the parking lot, the male porn store clerk complimented Chris on his pants in flirty sort of way and made him admit he'd gotten them at Hot Topic.

When finally they get the movie to the beginning, it is just two naked chicks on a soundstage, a bale of hay and a fence with a saddle tossed over it their only nod to setting. Since the dialogue is so atrocious, the drunkies decide they'll drown it out by playing Cradle of Filth loudly over the soundtrack. Something about 'supreme vampiric evil.'

At this point, the two on the screen are fumbling around with a double-ended dildo, so Kari the angry lesbian stands up and yells, "LESBIANS DO NOT HAVE SEX LIKE THIS!!!" and storms off for a smoke. I do not smoke, but I indicate that I intend to join her. We meander through the parking lot of the apartment complex and end up crashing someone else's party.

The sausage party becomes more and more aware that they have a dozen guys all looking at lesbian porn together, and the still-closeted gay one finally convinces them to turn it off so that he can invite the girls back in. He comes out to find us, and we bring the other party back with us. Much (more) drinking ensues.

Kari and I end up sleeping (actual sleeping, no sexytimes) in Alan's bed because Alan has passed out on the floor, and why should we sleep on the floor when we can sleep in a bed. Alan decided it was the best party ever, because there was lesbian porn AND two women in his bed.

Other great moments in drunkenness: when we decided to convince Chris that King Cobra was in fact some sort of pretentious German beer, truthiness added by Alan's German major girlfriend. When we played a game of Guess-the-Random-Sex-Act with a copy of Marquis de Sade's Justine. When we got food poisoning while drinking and I ended up puking into a bread bag because the bathrooms were all full.