As a rule, middle and high school are the most embarrassing times of a person’s life and school dances are where we experience the worst of it. Not only are we expected to move our awkward growing bodies in a way that’s deemed acceptable and graceful by other humans, but we’re also risking awkward boners, romantic rejection and the high chance that we’ll end up crying in a bathroom stall by the end of the night.
Several of us (maybe even the majority of us) have experienced mortifying moments at school dances and some how lived to tell the tale. So tell. We want to hear about it.
For last week’s Pissing Contest, we shared the worst places that we’ve ever gotten sick and, damn, do you guys have a lot of stories about diarrhea. Like maybe too many stories about diarrhea. But, hey, that’s between you, your doctor and your shart-ruined underpants.
Here are our winners.
CORRE, HIJITA, CORRE! by Nvillagomez:
Alright, I’ve never posted anything on Jez but I can’t resist this one-
Fourth grade, circa 2001, when they still gave you meals on long flights. I was flying back from Spain after visiting family with my mom and the airline gave us these cups of coleslaw. The coleslaw was runny and warm- basically, mayonnaise soup. Me being the hungry li’l fat kid I was, I wolfed it down despite its unsightly pallor. By the end of the very long flight, my body was starting to ache and I had a fever and chills. My dad picked us up from the airport and I was so miserable I could barely even speak from the backseat. When we got home, I felt so nauseous and sick that I didn’t even bother to bring my suitcase in- I limped inside and collapsed on the couch, shivering in fetal position. My mom walks in.
Me: “Mom, I think I’m gonna...I’m gonna...”
Mom: “CORRE, HIJITA, CORRE!!” (Translation: run, daughter, run!)
I then ran to the bathroom, busted open the door to see my brother taking one of his famous long smelly dumps, surrounded by a pile of comic books, reading. He starts to protest but my mom cuts him off- “SHE’S GOING TO THROW UP!!!” My brother leaps off the toilet and runs out, pants around his ankles, dick a-swingin’ and comic books a-flyin’, and I proceed to vomit right into the bowl of his elephant sized poo. The splash back and the smell was...traumatic.
TLDR; I puked into my older brother’s bowl of poop and I will never eat mayo again.
Mr. Noir, Liberal Hippie King with Walt Disney’s The Sword and the Kidney Stone:
I think I’ve got the creme de la creme. When I was 12, my family took a trip to Disneyworld. The first day there we did the usual rides, food, etc. (Tower of Terror is the shit!!!!). While waiting in line for The Great Movie Ride I started getting a little groin pain. At first I thought I just really needed to pee. Oh....how young, how naive, how wrong I was. The pain started getting worse & worse & moved from my groin to my flank.. By the time we got on the ride I was about a 6 on the pain scale. By the time we passed Indiana Jones I was in agony. It got so bad I started screaming. It was then I realized “ Holy shit I’m passing a kidney stone on the middle of a ride at disney !”. I threw up (not on anyone thank god, some fellow passengers got me a bag.) an attendant came out of nowhere ran with me past John Wayne & got me to a door right behind where Rick Blaine & Ilsa were saying their touching & tragic goodbye. I got to the bathroom. My pee was red as a rose (appropriate analogy since it felt like my kidney was resting on a bed of thorns). They called an ambulance for me. They gave me nitrous since by then I had thrown up so much fluids my veins were wound tight enough to snap. They even had Eeyore see me off & say goodbye (which was especially troubling to someone in agony tripping balls on nitrous).
And for best celebrity name drop, anonysheets:
I threw up in John Legend’s bag after drinking/smoking too much. It was before he was famous. He was actually pretty nice about it (I went to college with him).
Now throw on some Boyz II Men, put on some ill-fitting formal wear and hug a wall while waiting for your crush to ask you to dance. This is about to get very painful.
Image via Flower Films.