Your Most Awkward Sex Ever

Welcome to Pissing Contest, a weekly story sharing circle for the the ass-draggiest time of the afternoon on the ass-draggiest time of the last day between you and the weekend. Every week, we’ll provide a prompt, you’ll share stories, and we’ll pick a winner that’s featured in the next week’s post. It’s like a pyramid scheme of outdoing each other!

Sex! Not only is it (the word) the implied star of every month’s cover of a certain Good Time Gal ladymag, it (the act) is a basic human need. It can be spectacular and explosive and relationship-affirming — or it can be clumsy and weird and totally awkward. Today, we’re going to talk about the latter.

This edition of Pissing Contest is all about the times that sex went wrong, or Got Weird. Inappropriate mid-coital outbursts, both verbal and… otherwise. Being called or calling out the wrong name. Crying. Odd requests. Sudden, unannounced fetishes. Sky’s the limit.

But first, as always, we’ll take a moment to appreciate the winner of last week’s Getting Lucky story, courtesy of GinAndTonic and her miracle sister.

Can I take credit for my sister’s time she got really, really lucky? I’m 9 years older than my sister, the baby of the family. One day when I was 11 or 12 (and she was 2 or 3), I walked into our family room to watch Nickelodeon or something. I could hear “Barney” playing on the TV and was not feeling that shit. I walk into the room, turn my head left toward the couch, and find my sister, alone, in the process of hanging herself from the window blinds cord that she had wrapped around her neck. She apparently climbed onto the back of the couch, grabbed the cord, wrapped it around her neck, and jumped to try to fly, because little kids are fucking stupid. I remember this very clearly, but it felt like an out-of-body experience. She was blue in the face and silently struggling, futily, to free herself, totally unable to breathe or make any noise. I instinctively grabbed her and picked her up, started screaming for my mom and trying to unwind the cord from her neck.

We got the cord unwound- it left mean ligature marks on her neck. She’s 23 years old, going to law school, and still the scars. I saved her life, and all because at that particular moment, I wanted to watch “Hey Dude.”

And!

She also is a cancer survivor, having been diagnosed at 2 months old with liver cancer. She’s had a lot of scrapes. I also once found her floating in the bathtub, asleep.