Your Handy Guide To Presidential Candidate Dickery

That scrappy ragtag gang of hateful losers who want to be the Republican nominee for President gathered together to talk at America last night in the last debate of the year. And, like in every other televised argument these clowns have had, they used their respective opportunities in the spotlight to remind America that, if elected, they’ll act like total dicks.

Newt Gingrich

A lot can be said about Newt Gingrich. He’s so prone to saying one thing and then doing another that scientists should study the effect on his quantum level hypocrisy on the space-time continuum. He’s got the appeal of a bombastic elderly fox who just robbed a KFC combined with your least favorite boss. It took him less than one minute to compare himself to Ronald Reagan. That guy Don Kings the shit out of himself. Brava.

Several minutes later, he made sure to remind viewers that he hates immigrants (“immigrants,” by the way, is Republican for “Mexicans” or “The President”). Newt promises to stop challenging laws like Arizona’s and protect Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s right to be an irredeemable bastard.

What to expect from Gingrich in 2012: Self-generated comparisons to Gandhi, Adam Smith, Jesus Christ, Thomas Jefferson, Stephen Hawking, Leonardo da Vinci and Martin Luther King, Jr, with nary a smirk.

Ron Paul

Just as Ron Paul supporters believe that if they argue enough on the internet, Ron Paul will become President due to a heretofore unknown clause in the Constitution that automatically awards the Presidency to the candidate with supporters who break the condescension sound barrier, so too does Ron Paul believe that saying something makes it true. Saying that anyone onstage could beat Barack Obama in a general election and then hyuck hyucking about it to relieved and desperate applause of Midwestern conservatives doesn’t make it true. But it’s adorable that he feels that way.

Later in the night, a Paul supporter would do some heckling. There’s no better way to get America to believe you than to start talking about the Federal Reserve or some shit in the background of a Fox News debate.

What to expect from Paul in 2012: A renewed push to teach the hobo code in American public schools.

Ricks Perry and Santorum

The Ricks have really been bringing it lately, and last night, they were both at their most Rick.

Perry got the party started by comparing himself to Tim Tebow and then, to everyone on the internet’s dismay, failing to follow that claim up by Tebowing in the middle of the Republican debate. Come on, man. That would have been the best fucking Tebow of all time. You blew the opportunity of a lifetime, Perry! The former Texas governor not only promised to hate immigrants, he also vowed to “get it on” with the President if and when they debated during the general election. He’s going to be so disappointed when he finds out that you can’t bring old fashioned twirlin’ pistols to debates.

Santorum spent the entire debate looking as he always looks, which is like a terrified youth pastor on the verge of tears. He attacked Romney for being soft on abortion and gay marriage, whereas we will never forget how Santorum feels about gay marriage. He hates it with frothy, fecally passion.

What to expect from The Ricks in 2012: Perry will sing at something, and it will be a YouTube sensation. Santorum will cry.

Mittens Romney

Mittens was confronted about the convenient evolution of his views on abortion, and he defended his flip floppery by saying that when he was governor of Massachusetts, he used science to research experimentation on human embryonic stem cells, and in the process of becoming an expert on human biology, he changed his mind about abortion. And, just like that, he went from a pro-choice babysmasher to a behalowed protector of embryos. Sounds legit.

I’m beginning to think that Republican candidates’ near-across-the-board appeasement of the wildly unpopular Personhood movement isn’t due to any real, honest belief that zygotes are humans at all; rather, they’re all making a play for the “Baby Boomers who just want some grandbabies to spoil” demographic. Will the risk pay off?

In addition to forcing women who get pregnant to ride that sucker out until the end, because babies, Romney wants everyone to know that if elected, he’ll make sure to “protect traditional marriage,” which is dog whistle code for “don’t let gays marry.” Marriage is not a Fabergé egg, dude. It won’t go down in value if a bunch of other people get one, too.

What to expect from Mittens in 2012: Short circuit when confronted with the idea that a belief in personhood also extends to immigrants, which mean that non-Americans who stayed in America long enough to get pregnant would technically be carrying full-blooded Americans. Quick! Change the Constitution!

Michele Bachmann

Thank goodness she was there to remind The People that she lived as “a real person for 50 years.” It’s a great idea for candidate known for near-constant, comically blatant lying to invite Pinocchio comparisons. The comment was so WTF that EMILY’s List named this “real person” comment “Most Blatant Pandering to Female Voters,” which is fair, unless you consider the fact that Bachmann may actually be pandering to cyborgs.

What to expect from Michele Bachmann in 2012: The Mom Card.

Jon Huntsman

Don’t be silly.

What to expect from Jon Huntsman in 2012: He’ll found something called the Told You So Society after Barack Obama is re-elected.