Your Guide To Everything Wrong With Huma Abedin

Anthony Weiner is a guy who, from the outside at least, is looking more and more like a hapless human whose mind has been completely taken over by an exhibitionist brain slug attached to his crotch. And now that every conceivable Carlos Danger joke has been made, the media’s focus has moved on to his long-suffering wife Huma Abedin. Is she okay? Does she need a hug? What is her damage?

Because you’re busy people, we waded through the concern mongering for you to find the best theories about what’s wrong with Huma and what should be her next step. Because on evenings and weekends, the Court of Public Opinion performs marriage counseling services and psychological diagnoses.

Theory: Huma Abedin is suffering from some kind of disorder that only those who are removed from the situation can diagnose.
Iconic feminist/freelance unsolicited advice dispenser Gloria Steinem surmised that her “new motherhood” or other factors might have driven Huma into a “Stockholm syndrome” type mental state. The New York Post offers faux concern with a cover that screams Senora Danger… WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? over a picture of Huma looking gLaMoRoUs-

Or maybe Huma has some kind of mother hen Family Togetherness Disorder, like the sources quoted by the Washington Post who say that Huma found out about the unsexy sexting last fall, but “ultimately decided to stay for the sake of their young son.” (Ugh, babies, amirite? The worst day of that kid’s life is going to be when he learns how to use The Google.)

Theory: Huma Abedin is an ambitious, power hungry Lady MacBeth type, like Hillary Clinton or Lady MacBeth.
On CNN, Pepper Schwartz postulated that Huma Abedin is “nsanely ambitious and wants to be the wife of a successful politician.” The New York Post and Washington Times quoted a political strategist who referred to Huma as a “power hungry” woman from “the Clinton school of forgiveness,” which is one of those Forgiveness Schools that teaches its graduates to value “power over dignity.” (Note: The Clinton School of Forgiveness sounds a lot more fun than the Forgiveness School my folks sent me to — the Scandinavian School of Forgiveness, which is where you eliminate problems by simply coldly cutting people out of your life with no warning or explanation and then move on stoically as if nothing ever happened — BUT I DIGRESS.) The Washington Post reports that Abedin plays “the Hillary card” and,

has continued to aggressively work Clinton’s circle — to the annoyance of some — seeking support and financial contributions for Weiner’s mayoral bid.

Politico concurs, kind of.

Theory: Huma Abedin is hopelessly in love with a big fucking jerk.
Jenny Sanford — the one who lost her husband the Appalachian Trail, in a manner of speaking — said her “heart goes out” to Huma Abedin in the wake of Tuesday’s revelations. In an essay that will run in September’s Harpers Bazaar, Abedin herself reflects on how much she loves her husband. New York Magazine speculates that, like Hillary Clinton, Huma Abedin has married “someone who looms one-hundred-feet high in his own imagination, and like her boss, she has elected to participate in his delusions.”

Theory: Huma Abedin was kind of asking for it.
In the same NYMag piece about narcissist love, Jennifer Senior writes,

And today, Huma has been an enthusiastic participant in his revival. She may describe herself as private. But she’s been with Weiner every step of his very calculated reentry into public life. She participated in a photo spread for Peopleand those pieces for the TimesMagazine and New York. She accompanies her husband to all of his campaign events, wrangles all kinds of Clinton campaign money for him. She just wrote a piece for Harper’s Bazaar, perfectly timed for the September primary. And she spoke at his press conference, as painful as it was to see, and in so doing tried to make him the victim…

That’s what you married, Huma! She “enabled” his behavior, says Kay Hymowitz at the National Review. Slate’s Dave Weigel agrees.

Weiner himself put the blame for his most recent piping hot, fresh from the oven dick pics not on his own possible-narcissism, but rather on “problems” in his marriage, according to an email he sent to supporters earlier this week — basically, he isn’t 100% to blame for stuff he did, because it takes two to tango. If you squint and look closely, you can kind of see Huma in all of those penis photos, the phantom half-reason behind it all.

Theory: HUMA ABEDIN PRETTY. HUMA ABEDIN NICE.
Huma Abedin like red lipstick! Help get Huma Abedin through tough times! Like pant suit for face!

Although all attention at yesterday’s press conference was devoted to the (seemingly) never-ending Anthony Weiner sexting saga, we couldn’t help but notice how his wife stood by his side, her crimson lips pursed. It was no doubt a difficult moment in Abedin’s personal and professional life, yet she made sure she was armed with her signature shade of lipstick.

Here’s more from Hymowitz, with a nice rundown of Those Who Fawn Over Huma,

Huma is Kennedy glamour resurrected. She brings exotic beauty and a hint of Oxbridge intelligence — and of course cosmopolitan liberalism — to a town full of heartland men in ill-fitting brown suits and southern women in fire-engine-red blazers.

Theory: Huma Abedin sucks.
In Dave Weigel’s most recently column at Slate — subtly titled “The Overrated Huma Abedin”— the writer points out that Huma Abedin actually sucks and what has that jerk done ever, anyway?

If you return to the early profiles that created Abedin’s image, they’re based on very little. The first big Abedin take-out ran in the New York Observer in April 2007, when the New York media was hungry for coverage of Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton. “Ms. Abedin is responsible for guiding the Senator from one chaotic event to the next and ensuring that the many hundreds of situations that arise at each—the photo ops, the handshakes, the speeches—go smoothly,” wrote Spencer Morgan.

He later goes on to admit that ok ok fine she does know some stuff but mostly the order of how that stuff is presented in magazine feature stories makes her sound like a dum-dum.

[Note: Prior to the piece, Weigel offers a note that his anti-Abedin rant could be construed as “mansplaining,” since it is written by a man about a woman. But — not to nitpick here — there’s a difference between “mansplaining” and “hating” or “haterade.” No mansplaing detected. This was 100% pure Florida squeezed haterade. Thanks for playing, and reading this hatesplanation.]

Final tally, for those of you keeping score? Huma Abedin has Stockholm Syndrome, some kind of post-baby prison disease, terminal levels of ambition, a critical shame deficit, is SUPER PRETTY AND GLAMOROUS but also sucks.

In response to this wide-ranging set of problems, Huma must leave him and not leave him. Run for mayor of New York City and disappear from the public eye to focus on patching up that there marriage. Or, there’s this unexplored option: run off with Hillary Clinton and found the world’s first country consisting of only kickass women who are leery of men due to unfortunate past experiences. I’ll be first in line to apply for a visa.